!notes on 'I love you but'

The art of Loving

TODO

Truely to Understand

limerence is a kind of merging, a "oneness"

• exercise

  • look into their eyes just long enough, give them a kiss on the lips

  • make a full and frank disclosure

    • look for event/news that can be stored up, and shared in the evening with your partner
    • look for the details that bring a story to life
    • see out events, opinions and characters that play to your partner's particular interests

  • audit everything that happened yesterday you and your parnter

    • check the list, and ask any items can be changed today to feed your loving attachment
    • add in an act of kindness tomorrow

• similarities and difference

  • enough similarities with our partner to make a connection 60%
    • culturally, socially or emotionally
  • enough difference to stop the relationship stagnating

limerence - the crazy, obsessive feelings, the intense joy

• common descriptions
  • eyes meet
  • daydreaming your beloved
  • an aching in the heart when an outcome is uncertain
  • Only interested in her
  • emphasise on what's admirable in the beloved and avoid dwelling on the negative
  • the feeling is supreme delight, what makes life worth living

loving attachment - mix of love and life and its practical demands together

• Listening

  • full attention, nodding and asking questions so she is truly being heard

• sharing

  • feeling, snippets from day or chores

• doing a job for your partner that she does not like, or a small gift

• body contact

• supporting

  • watching she play sport, babysitting while she takes an course, buying into her dreams

• shared humor

  • private jokes

• extra miles

affectionate regard - caring but with no romantic passion

• feel for our parents, children, best friends

  • just care for someone, want the best for them

• neglecting physical intimacy and not allowing each other to be different enoughhf

blending partner - sharing everything with the beloved

• exercise

  • list of the things you argued about
    • money, time apart, tidiness, friends, childcare
  • Rows are vital to clear the air and learn about each other's needs
  • write down all your fears, and listen to your partner's fears
    • keep going with a fear, and tackle the "what if" scenarios one by one
  • find the compromise, and the balance

• strike a balance

  • limerence helps couples to let down their barriers
  • long to be close - to be understood, to hold or be held by another one
  • we wanna be in control, to be masters of our own destiny

Collaborating: Finding your dream

• the blocks

  • Dreams feed your soul and express who you are, providing an interest that time just disappears

  • Dreams are about enjoying yourself, So whether you do something well, indifferently or badly is completely unimportant. If you enjoy it, keep on doing it.

  • anything is possible in dreams, forget the practicalities

• how to find your dream

  • imagine which kind of life would you like? imagine where you would like to live, what work you would like to do, what kind of relationship you would like to have, what social life, what hobbies?

  • Imagine all the details, and fill in the pictures properly

  • open your eyes, and work out how to start realizing your dreams

  • Make a start the next day ...

Arguing

• understand ourselves

  • think of all the personal qualities: kind, beautiful soul, cheerful, reasonable, tough, curious, open-minded, good listener, insightful, brave, forgiving, willing to compromise, affectionate, compliments, outgoing, reliable

  • list the petty things about your partner that irritate you

    • why these issues get your goat?
    • what memories does each bad habit bring back? your parents or your previous partner or your colleages say about these?

  • pinpoint the hidden 80% of current issues + think back to your childhood, and your earlier memory, how did u feel about the details?

  • your beliefs or personality come from somewhere: + our upbringing, religion, general culture or the media + how much these sayings has marked your personality or view of the world? how many of the current issues with your partner are built on these opinions?

• Be emotionally Honest

  • integrity and generally tell each other the truth

  • list the feelings:

    • shock - surprise, confusion, amazement
    • anger - rage, resent, frustration, impatience
    • sadness - disappointment, hurt, despair, grief
    • fear - anxiety, worry, insecure, panic, jealousy, guilt, shame
    • love - acceptance, admiration, appreciation, gratitude, relief, empathy, compassion
    • disgust - contempt, disdain, scorn
    • happiness - fulfilling, satisfaction, pleasure, contentment, amusement

  • write down any feeling you experienced, especially uncomfortable ones

    • am I experiencing feeling from each category? why?
    • "I feel ..."

    • Feeling come from our body, we have a physical reaction; heat beating faster, trembling, a tightening of the chest

    • thoughts come from our head, they are opinions, ideas, judgements and beliefs

• communicate the feelings

  • express your feelings to your partner
  • specific the complaint
    • 'I feel frustrated when you ... '
  • listen attentively, acknowledge what has been said
    • 'I feel sad that you say that I ...'

• release the anger properly is to express it

  • Explore - acknowledge their feelings and check

    • "I can see you are , do u need to say anything more?"
    • tips: complain about the behaviour
    • 'please don't ..., 'I want us to ... '

  • Comprehend - listen, and ask questions so that you are clear about what is meant

    • what's your responsibility? how your behavior extended the problem? - ' I'm sorry that I gave you ...'
    • or understanding your partner's case

  • Action

    • you both vent your feelings, and try to comprehend each other's viewpoing
    • try to find a compromise or a trade-off
    • ask 'what have we learnt from this fight?' 'how will we do things better next time'

• why?

  • arguing open the issues that really matter
  • create the impetus to sepak out, creates a sense 'something must be done'

Target - speaking the same language of love

• how to find

  • 'I feel most loved when ...'
  • 'I am most likely to complain that my partner never ... '

• communication

  • I feel (humiliated) when you (ignore me) because I'm trying my best to change.

• creating quality time together

  • truly focused on your partner, sharing your time and thoughts

• caring actions

  • listen to what she complains about, and turn it into a demo of your lvoe

• physical contact

  • hugs, kisses, hand

• appriciative words

  • 'thank you for choosing ...'
  • ' you got a really ...'

• present-giving

Play - boost Real intimacy

• Think about your pleasure

  • achievement: negotiate a discount, close a deal at work
  • peaceful state: meditation, walk together, a beautiful view, lying in a warm bed
  • excitement: ride together
  • sensual: coffee, food, flowers, movies, learn to cooking together
  • nurturing: voluntary work, introducing a good book, cooking

• exercise

  • compliment or congratulate your partner on a job well done
    • just smile or repeat the praise

  • talk

    • bring the story to life
    • ask your partner to explain something from their life

  • quality talking time

    • what we want from life ?
    • where are we heading?
    • really open up about your hopes and fears

  • Touch your partner

    • hold hands, give her a kiss

  • share

    • sharing each other

  • lovemaking

    • 'I love it when you ... '

  • experiment

    • bring something new into your relationship

• Boredom is a warning of intimacy

  • play to put the passion back

Giving & learning

Bond

reference

• [The art of Loving]
• [I love you but I'm Not in Love with You]