Learn about good Soft skills Persuasive Communication TODO 说话声音低一点（就有磁性）， 慢一点（就有气质）， 敢停顿（显示权威） 任何时候都不要紧张，永远展现出舒适放松的状态 永远把任何你想接触的人当成老朋友交谈就行 reference The Art of Persuasion Business Communication The workplace communication styles of the people you work with Caretaker - caretaker focus on the feelings of other people and effective collaboration Analyst - quick to think and slow to speak, the analytic person values accuracy in the details and likes to be right Director - hard-working and ambitious, directors tend to be the group leaders who value getting the job done with excellent results Entertainer - the entertainer person loves to have friends and enjoys helping others Respect is all notes 发言时 注意 和听者的关系 观众更重视 自己的感受和联系， 而不是对错 people only understand you from their level of perception. If necessary, explain your actions, not yourself. it's not your job to make people understand you. It's your job to understand yourself. The moment you understand yourself you'll feel at peace. Others don't need to understand that. But you're at peace, this is what matters. Those who really know you don't need your explanation. 尊重自己 支持自己 你想要什么，就去争取 不要害怕去争取能让你的生活和自己变得更好的东西 别人真心想去做，就支持； 这不是自私 being assertive in a polite, courteous, and respectful way if you don't want to do something, say so if you've got a dissenting opinion and know in your heart that you're right, say so 如果你有一个好想法，就说出来 Take responsibility for your actions Finish waht you start. If you do, own up to it and maintain the respect if you can do something by yourself, don't ask for help. you should ask for help when you really need it. This shows people that you're humble and know your limits. It also shows that you're open to being vulnerable with others. this will gain people's respect. 要有雄心 保持自我的最好状态就是一种自我尊重 让自己时刻处于进步状态，用不满足 要为自己订立一个目标，然后制定计划，一一执行 设立一个计划，如何一步步实现这个目标？ 如果工作，做得开心么？ 为了实现目标要花费什么努力？ 要用多长时间才能实现？ 可能性多大？ 照顾好自己 给自己与给他人相同的关心，就是一种自尊 知道何时求助。 要对自己的能力有信心，但也要知道什么事情超出了自己的能力。 不要在不必要的时候为难自己。 偶尔送自己一个礼物或旅行 避免妄自菲薄 积极建筑自尊，让周边充满鼓励，启迪和有帮助的朋友 你的朋友 会不会批评你，或让你失望？ 保持健康 定期做身体检查 定期锻炼 尊重他人的观点 倾听对方 注视对方，安静地听对方在讲什么，并思考对方的观点 即使不同意，在反驳之前，也要试着站在对方角度，理解对方 倾听，并让他人自己做决定时一种尊重 问问题 问一些开放性，引导性的问题，让对方觉得你是认真听，并消化吸收了自己观点 提问可以让对方讲的更深入 根据特定话题，问下对方的感受，而不是追问细节； 问“之后你觉得怎么样？”，即使你知道答案，也要让对方自己说出自己的情况 问几个针对他的问题，引导他打开话闸子； “你觉得 xxx 怎么样？” 礼貌地表示不同意 在反对之前试着了解对方的立场。 先表明对对方立场的肯定，然后说出自己的观点。 比如“说得很好，但我的观点稍有不同...” 对人不对事 学会站在别人的角度考虑问题 选择策略 有时说出自己的观点和看法是尊重他人学识的表现； 有时，隐藏自己的观点和看法可以避免不必要的争端 如果你说出某个争端，试着将气氛缓和下来；可以将自己观点表述出来，听听他们如何争辩； “你觉得呢？” 有时争论过无数次，都没结果，可以不必提起这个话题 尊重他人的努力 表达感激 对别人的帮助和支持抱着一颗感恩的心 写信，打电话，发短信等等 称赞别人的成就 在别人成功时，祝贺对方的成就，夸赞对方的能力 如果你尊敬的人最近遇到麻烦，尽可能夸奖他， 赞扬他的努力，态度或优点，给他勇气和信心 要真诚 “见到你很高兴” 言出必行 尊重别人时间； 守时，做好准备 提供帮助 当别人心情不好或遇到麻烦，就试着鼓励对方；如“你能做到的“ 尊重对立方 在不了解时不要随意评判别人 要看到别人的闪光点和温暖的地方 学会适时沉默 如果说不出什么好话 关注自己的事情 多做些有趣的事，多参加活动，让自己忙起来 培养新的兴趣爱好 至少要与经常见面但不喜欢的人有至少一些接触 如“今天过得怎么样？”， 至少会让对方觉得你在努力 Effective Communication Evaluate what you say into the value to the discussion Do you comment all mind or all heart? Clear communication is so attractive make things clear to me and don't just secretly expect, assume or hope 坦诚 Talk slow when you speak, and smile during every interaction seek to understand the other person's perspectives instead of judging them definitely try asking questions about why someone said something or acted the way they did instead of reacting 表达自己的同时，也融入对方的世界， 并巧妙地提取精华，再延伸至自己表达的内容里 交谈中穿插自己的经历，这么一来，就会是在描述这几年自己的经验， 再加上技巧 切入对方的过去来提出问题 （具体而本质的问题） listen to her and add in your thoughts when a trait or feeling comes up, that you agree with, tell her 与朋友交谈时了解没有被过滤的真实， 与陌生人交流是进入对方的语境 create a supportive workplace help those feel valued and needed Start gently simply asking "how are you feeling today?" "how was your weekend?" "how's that assignment going?" or "are you still stressed about your kids" talk to a colleague one to one listen and watch for signs that they are struggling before talking to someone ask whether and how you can help to support them use supportive language "I don't know what you're going through, but I would like to help you. Is there any way that I can?" "I wonder if a doctor might be able to help you." communication goals convey our ideas grab attention surprising, puzzle emotional - individual stories trigger empathy send a message simple focus on a single message memorable tell a story persuasive authority, experience gather information ask questions and listening to those answers rather than focusing on trying to just get our ideas out ask questions move narrative forward "and what happened next?" pause to ensure understanding "do you know what I mean?" "how did you know who was calling?" questions can guide people and plant ideas questions general question "what can you tell me about it?" positive assumption question "it doesn't have any problems, does it?" negative assumption question when you presume a problem "what problems does it have?" we wanna presume a problem, and we're then more likely to gather more (using nagative assumption question); seek disconfirming information "what medications have you missed?" "what challenges are you facing meeting this deadline?" active listening speak less encourage a counterpart to expand on their responses "tell me more about ..." "i'd like to hear more ... " demo interest both verbal and non-verbal encourage - indicate your presence and attention "uh-huh" "yes" "right" "go on" "ok" non-verbal mirroring repeating the last few words or gist of the counterpart probe further summarize information demo perspective taking seek clarification "let me make sure I understand what you're saying ... but the current values are missing ... (pushing more information)" nonverbal communication low-context cultures rely on content of message (european, usa) how things are said dramatically influence the meaning of what's said high-context cultures infer information from context build relationships how to disagree with someone first, state what you do agree on; then, slowly introduce the disagreements (by introducing what you agree on first,the other person is primed to think: "ok, this person agrees with me on a bunch of stuff, so maybe I should take him/her seriously") put your disagreements in the form of questions, rahter than statements for example, you might ask the person you're disagreeing with: "what would it look like if your idea played out for the next 10 years?" compete and cooperate foe vs friends scarcity sociability dynamic instability balance between motivation and satisfaction finding your balance favorable comparisons: volunteering, increases happiness unfavorable comparisons can push you to great efforts negotiation process target -> motivating reservation price -> satisfied assess if the comparison is in/out of order if the expected comparison outcome that was anticipated? if we are competitors, what do we expect? provide new opportunities to compete in the future those comparisons are going to be less intense cultures face cultures people derive their self worth from earning the respect of others 面子 dignity cultures believe in speaking their mind and being self-reliant their self worth is self determined and they are very comfortable engaging in direct, rational, fact-based conversation status and titles are not nearly as important as information and talent Deception Deception exploits trust deception is hardwired deception often succeeds deception is not always bad Lie detection many cues are subtle real smile is smiling with eyes anxiety disrespect when people lie to you, it is often a sign of disrespect exhibiting contempt, talking down to the target, sarcastic responses Does it make sense? is it an unusual or odd thing to say or do? match between content and context text and non-verbal correspondence do they match or do they differ? does emotion match the situation? inconsistent actions identify suspicious cues probe further seek information from other sources violations core / non-core violations ability/integrity we forgive competence violations more readily it's an integrity violation if they had bad intentions the apology formula who apologizes matters speed matters words + actions manipulation they repeatedly hurt you and apologize without changing their behavior focus on repeated actions, both the good & bad ones negative energy, dishonesty, bad vibes, hostility have red lines, and if they cross them make them regret they did you don't need them or their drama hints if they hurt somebody, there's chance they'll hurt you too continue loving people who love you back the best way they can apologize is to accept your punishment Effective Communication build trust to develop cooperation 正反馈 处理人际关系 先付出一步，他也会向你走一步，你再走一步 identify someone that is smarter than you in some way like tech, organization, etc ... and attach yourself to them build relationships a sense of together, a shared history shared identity value my identity as part of the group interact in the future a longterm relationship effective communication is it clear? does it demon concern? face-to-face is best expectations shift expectations from individual to community game accountability is behavior observed? trust Vulnerability high competence, get it right, then spills coffee or drop pens or tell a bad joke make mistakes self-disclosure and admit failures risky: too vulnerable build rapport (friend 和睦) sat close talking about family, life "I make friends with him" as if they are friends Non-task communication events, hobbies share meals common experiences/interests using first names - correctly Demonstrate warmth concern for others kindness spend time - family, friends, pets, volunteering Communicate a sense of equality be punctual minimize diffs in clothing, seating, etc. common goal group a common enemy identify common goals a shared concern/process your words match your deeds to affect the most trust Institution -> rating systems to build trust signaling & trust commit - clear and powerful clarity - send message to convey the right info? powerful - when receiving, time and money ? emotions & trust feelings - summary statistic for complicated judgements incidental emotions influence our feelings & trust "I know you're pretty upset about that other outcome, I'm hoping that doesn't influence this situation." guilt-prone people are more trustworthy feel badly if did something worng a strong sense of responsibility feel bad about letting others down Improving Communication Skills Interviews interviews are basic tools by which we listen, we learn, we problem solve, and we build rapport questions close-ended questions - yes/no wanna pinpoint specific facts a strategy to somebody who doesn't want to articulate a particular point open-ended questions (following some close-ended questions) what/home/why strategic questions for listening, learning, and asvancing a goal summary questions are clarifying questions; help to establish the facts you understanding, and demo active listening "Let me check to see if I understand your points ... did I get that right" leading questions "you didn't like that movie, did you?" - she's basically telling me she didn't like that movie and feeling me out to see if I also didn't like that movie "is it true that you're retiring next year" - can pivot clearinghouse questions at the end of interviews "who else should I talk to?" - find out who's opinion carries more weight icebreaker questions to build collaborative workplace ask about the weather, the weekend, sth in their office or surroundings "do u have any questions for me" Scenarios in context-dependent manager engage with their personalities caretaker engage in conversation with people like to know what they're thinking make sure that they feel valued in the conversation styles Analyst quick to think and slow to speak value accuracy in the details and likes to be right Caretaker - relatiosnhip style focus on the feelings of other people and effective collaboration Director - decisive, competitive, delegating to others hard-working and ambitious tend to be the group leaders who value getting the job done with excellent results Entertainer - full of ideas and share them love to have friends and enjoy helping others listening many people want approval and validation, not "your opinion" 說服別人最好的方法不是爭辯，而是傾聽 设法从对方的立场去理解一件事情，先同意对方的观点，然后再从对方的观点来解释，为什么我们自己的主张是合理的 留意对方言语和 非言语 不一致的地方 简单描述听到和看到的事情， 并对感受对方的情绪, 让对方感受到被聆听和被明白 "听你讲..., 觉得你 ... " coach skills 同理心 体验： 体会他人的感受 细听之 情感连结 尊重与确认对方的感受 同情心 认知： 理解他人的痛苦 解决问题 试图安慰并说服对方改变 代入对方， 如何感知她的世界 inquiry or explore how the client perceives her world 让对方把话讲完， 除非特定目的，不要打断对方 好奇心 关键字 重复出现的字， 或 特别的名词 形容词 探索对方的语言的运用 给反应 - "好，喔，是" 鼓励和允许对方完全地表达自己 给出意向 - intention 为啥你想对方这么做 或 对方为啥这么做 - “你不停的问我问题，到底是为了什么” 根据客户想实现的成果的方向 来继续对话， 除非客户有其他指示 开放式的问题 好的问题： 容易回答， 正面， 有启发性（别人可以想多一步的问题） 有节奏地给予客户思考和反思的时间 how, why 支持和欣赏 嘉许和尊重对方的行为 多一点认同 - 直接讲出来 communication skills 为什么要这么说 基于事实来辩论， 而不是 观念或立场的争论 balance between cooperation and competition comparisons: find your balance between motivation and satisfaction access if the comparison is in/out of order provide new opportunities to compete in the future and the compete will be less intense focus on target before/during negotiation, then shift into reservation price focus reservation price focus less motivated but more satisfied engage in downward comparisions like volunteering to increase happiness target focus more motivated but less satisfied Effective Communication grab attention surprising puzzle emotional - individual stories trigger empathy send a message simple persuasive memorable vivid keep it simple analogy concrete - offer ideas for credible ask questions and listening those answers gather information reveal information and guide answer general question - "what can you tell me about it" positive assumption question - "It doesn't have any problems, does it?" negative assumption question - "What problems does it have?" suggest there really is a problem the most truthful response comes with the negative assumption question show buyer was much more knowledgeable skills we wanna presume a problem, and we're then more likely to gather accurate and truthful infomation Active Listening listen to other people to figure out what their needs are, how our ideas interact with their needs encourage - "tell me more about ..." "I'd like to hear more ..." speak less demon interest or concern verbal - encourager - like 'uh-huh'm 'yes', 'right', 'go on', 'ok' - nodding non-verbal: mirroring - repeat the last few words or gist of speaking push more further summarize info, demo perspective taking ,and seek clarification "Let me make sure I understand what you're saying ... " 自我认知 social skills 幼龄教育首先教的是规矩以及对规则和权威的尊从 无论对人还是对事，在没有尊重和相互理解的前提下，不提倡批判和反抗 孩子的社交素质，可以通过和大人平等的聊天里训练起来 在一个家庭聚会里，孩子被教导要积极参与和融入交流 small talk small talk is to get to know each other and whether get on the same level If you get on the same page, you can open up and connect more don't engage people for approval or validation 沟通能力 沟通能力首先要学会善解人意 了解对方的需求 其次是表达能力 把复杂的事用简单的方法表述出来 以诚待人 人家才能信任你 向上社交 自信与主动 “别人比我们所以为的更喜欢我们” 你问不问是你的事，别人答不答应是别人的事 真诚 创造价值，付出价值 用同理心去揣摩对方的需求和担心，以及你能为对方提供什么价值 不一定是物质价值，也可以是情感价值 注意边界感 一些无足轻重的小事自己解决就好，关键的人脉要用来解决最关键的问题 同级管理 受欢迎程度仍然很重要 源自于他能否让别人感觉受到重视，获得包容，内心快乐 -> 这样可以获得更大的认同，更强的忠诚和更好的团队凝聚力 投资人际关系 -> 职业关系外加社交关系 主动表扬别人，了解他们的目标 尽量在开会时最后一个发言，首先思考别人的想法，然后再发表自己的观点 -> 让别人知道你在倾听，知道他们的评论对你的想法产生影响 努力记住每个同事的一个细节，然后一次次地向他们询问此事 认真思考自己的行动究竟能拉近与同事的距离，还是进一步与他们疏远 向上管理 谦虚有礼 向上管理必须有自己的观点，并且学习沟通与说服的技巧 老板沟通风格和好恶 鼓励老板，如果老板做得好的话； 如果设想自己是老板； 委婉顾及老板面子 跟上司沟通 让你的上司们了解你的成果才是第一要事 将重要的成绩和普通进度汇报开来 明白哪些是职责范围的，哪些事超过你的老板预期的 积极主动争取重要的，具有挑战性的任务 工作中要突出重点，让上司知道所做的工作超过了对你预期的任务和客观效果 适当地让上司掌握工作进度 定时向上司汇报，随时收集他的意见和建议 有策略地建立和你的上司的上司的关系 reference 不知如何跟上司沟通？教你五个小技巧