The Power of Charm : How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation

Tracy, Brian.; Arden, Ron.

Grouped by book topics. Green → ### theme; purple → bold; pink → [insights]; blue → [how]; yellow → [info].

charm can be learned

business and personal life — your ability to communicate effectively with others — Social intelligence — the ability to interact, converse, negotiate with, and persuade others
[how] makes them open to you and receptive to your message — more willing to be influenced
[info] charm can be learned
[how] Observe the person’s behavior. — identify what he does when being charming — use what you observe and learn

The Power of Charm

[insights] Decide today that you are going to develop the power of charm and practice it
the core of personality is self-esteem
how much you like yourself. — Your self-esteem is the sum total of how important and valuable you feel you are at any moment
They make decisions emotionally — and then justify them logically — Human beings are intensely emotional
[info] are conditioned to be hypersensitive to the actions and reactions of your parents toward you
[info] either to bolster your self-esteem, your inner sense of well-being, or to protect it from being diminished by other people or circumstances
the need to feel valued and valuable
make others feel important
[insights] Acceptance
[insights] You smile
[how] When you smile with happiness at seeing people
[insights] they like the person who is making them feel this way — They feel important and valuable
[how] Appreciation.
[how] ay “thank you” on every occasion — for any large or small reason — You make a habit of thanking everyone in your world for everything they do
[how] praise other people for something they have done, their self-esteem is elevated
[how] compliment about a trait, possession, or accomplishment,
Attention
Your ability to listen well — the ability to gather information by asking questions and listening closely to what people have to say
your ability to connect emotionally with people, your EQ, — is as vital to your success, and perhaps even more so
[info] the ability to be aware of and sensitive to what people say and what they really mean
[how] Listen attentively
[info] he likes and trusts you more by virtue of your listening attentively to him

Pause before replying

[how] pause for three to five seconds — Allow a silence to exist. Just relax
[info] Question for clarification
[info] How do you mean?” or “What do you mean, exactly?
[info] Feed it back; paraphrase it in your own words
[info] Practice controlling and directing the conversation by using these various techniques
[info] understand how they think and feel — if you want them to like you
then say and do the things that affect them emotionally

Charming a Woman

[how] affection, attention, and respect
[insights] by their caring and concern for them — by their confidence and competence in the world
[info] The way to charm a woman is by being totally, 100 percent captivated by her as a person, and by every word she says
ask her questions about herself and her day, about her life and her concerns
listen quietly and attentively to the answers
[info] hile I held her hand and allowed her to just relax in my presence, with no comment
[insights] My genuine concern for her feelings and her experience created a powerful bond
Ask her questions and talk to her about her hopes and concerns — her background — her goals and desires.
[how] Talk and listen as if you find her to be the most fascinating person you ever met
[info] by her, by her ideas and opinions — her character and personality,
[how] Treat her with extreme courtesy and respect — Ask questions and listen closely to the answers
[how] acceptance, appreciation, and approval — Ask her about her work and personal life
[how] and find something to be impressed about, or even to be amazed by
[insights] achievement, status, and the respect of the key people in their worlds
[how] his achievements. Acknowledge and recognize him for his work and accomplishments. Be impressed with what he is doing and what he has done
[insights] when you appreciate that they are capable of succeeding and providing
Any expression of praise, approval, or admiration for his accomplishments
[insights] t only matters what people think you are
[info] the American approach, which is referred to as “inside out,”
[info] and the European approach, which is “outside in.” — Using those similarities
They first imagine the way
[insights] if you behave as though you are happy or excited you will probably convince others that you are happy and excited — but an added bonus is that you, too, will begin to feel happy or excited
[info] as an outside-in book
[how] change your external behavior by developing and using certain skills
[how] skills that give you control of the personal image that you want others to see
[info] he really doesn’t bother too much about why I do things
he mostly concentrates on how I can behave differently
worry less about the why and concentrate more on the how. — often easier and faster for us to chang

Behavior Is Everything

[insights] what you are ultimately judged by is your behavior
[info] People will react based on how they perceive us to behave
[info] no matter what our inner agendas may be
concentrate on behaving exactly
as if you were already a charming person
[how] Create a mental image of yourself as absolutely charming on the inside — and then act accordingly on the outside
[info] being an empathetic listener
The better listener you are
Attentive listeners
[info] se them to acknowledge the other person’s presence and reassure them they are totally involved in the act of listening
[how] eye contact, pure and simple
[info] Make direct eye contact
[how] practice excellent eye contact when you are listening
[how] ractice the technique of focused eye contact
[info] Their eye movement — As she gazes into his eyes, watch how her eyes flick from his one eye to the other — create a triangle of flicks between his eyes and lips, making her eye contact very intimate and very sensual
[insights] the more eye activity there is

Your Tools for Charming Others

[how] concentrate on shifting your eyes back and forth between their eyes every now and then
[info] Observe people
[info] Eye flicks
[how] try a small tilt of your head to either side
[how] Tilt your head to listen, straighten up to speak.
[how] Use direct eye contact with each person in every conversation, flick your gaze from eye to eye — tilt your head to the left or right when someone is speaking to you
[info] Nodding
[how] try to keep your whole body turned toward the other person
[how] Make sure your arms are unfolded

Body Language to Avoid

[how] sit up straight and not allow your back to touch the back of the chair
[insights] your body language conveys 55 percent of the message you are sending — Your tone of voice conveys another 38 percent of the message
[insights] the words themselves are responsible for only 7 percent.
[insights] by the way you position your body in conversation
on delivery techniques
[how] sat upright, softened his voice — even leaned forward now — hen as though he was eager to answer their questions.
[insights] in control of what your body is saying to make sure you are sending out all the right signals
[info] Combine your vocal reassurances with good eye contact and head nodding
[info] “I see,”
[info] Really?” or “Well, is that so,” reassure people
[info] such as “Yes, without question,” or “I agree, absolutely,” or “You hit the nail right on the head,” and the like.
[how] “What do you think you should do?” And then listen patiently without interrupting
[insights] is just seeking confirmation
[info] you ask her, “Which outfit do you think looks the best?”
[info] when it accords with their own wishes.
their emotional level. — always take the time to consider what’s going on with the person or people
[how] listen with added patience before you say anything
[how] be careful about giving advice unless someone asks for it
[info] Smiling and laughing is very infectious
[how] simply have to match the other person’s mood
Be quick to praise
[info] Appreciation and praise are vitally important to all of us
[info] how much a person considers herself or himself to be praiseworthy
[info] be specific
[insights] praise immediately
[insights] praise for both large and small accomplishments
pretend as if you already feel it until it becomes a reality.
Your outward behavior will create the correspon-ding inner feeling
By controlling your actions — you can behave as if you already had the emotions you desire to have
So your actions actually help to create those emotions

Actions Trigger Feelings

[how] if you act as if you already felt a particular way — your actions will soon trigger the feelings to go with them
act as if
[info] decided to try out this “act as if” principle
[info] Off I went, all suited up, and by midmorning I felt much better!
By engaging in behaviors of being well

Actions Affect Feelings

[info] act as if that other person
[info] by his speech
[how] in a one-on-one conversation with another person, look at the other person’s eyes no more than 85 percent of the time
[info] shift your gaze from person to person, gently, one person at a time
[insights] the look-aside
[info] from the person’s eyes to the side of the face
[info] practice shifting your gaze to his right or left ear — and then back to his mouth and eyes
[info] ever for more than two or three seconds
[how] slow down
[how] use silences in conversation
[how] First, get a tape recorder and tape yourself reading aloud
[how] can become a better speaker simply by pausing for a second or two
[info] Inexperienced, unprepared, or nervous speakers often fill their sentences with sounds such as aah, umm, uh, and er
[how] If you use silences, fillers disappear.
[how] Lower Your Voice
[how] keep your voice in the lower range where the deeper sounds are
[info] Deeper vocal sounds suggest size and strength — higher sounds convey smallness and weakness
[how] Gently lower your voice toward the deeper, warmer tones that you can comfortably reach — Don’t force it. Let it come naturally, varying your tone up and down — Repeat this exercise until you are pleased with the result.
[how] use a well-placed question.
[how] do a twenty or thirty degree shift and slip in a comment about your own appreciation of dogs
[how] nto a slightly different direction, twenty or thirty degrees off center
[how] have charmed someone by keeping the conversation meaningful to that person — It’s a wonderful opportunity to be creative while focusing on someone else’s needs
[how] steer any conversation is to ask questions that begin with who, what, why, when, where, and how.
[how] The idea is to know more about these people than they know about you
[how] Brian on the Value of Preparation
[how] be completely focused on the other person
[how] Always remember that the more you can learn about other people during a conversational exchange, the greater will be your potential influence on them — The more and better questions you can ask
[how] First, you ask, “What sort of work do you do?”
[how] “How did you get into that line of work, anyway?”
[how] “And then what did you do?”
[how] “Tell me more about that.” “How did you feel?” “And what did they do?”
[how] “What happened next?”
[how] Your goal is to participate actively in the conversation while at the same time encouraging your conversational counterparts to take over as much as they want.
[info] begin with polite, social banter. These light exchanges allow both parties to gauge the mood and receptivity of the other person
[insights] use questions that spin off from what you’re already talking about
[insights] the basic idea is to keep the conversation bouncing back to the other person
involves putting your ego on the back burner and attending to the needs or interests of the other person — It is the key to being charming
focus on making others feel liked and popular.
[how] First, be clear about your intent — charming
[how] Second, avoid conflict at all costs
[how] Present your point of view gently, tentatively, and then let it go
[how] Finally, only take over the conversation when other people make it clear that they want to hear from you

Practice Mirroring and Matching

[how] work in harmony with each other by synchronizing their movements or behaviors
People with charm avoid being inflexible and judgmental. — They enjoy seeing the world through others’ eyes as well as their own
secrets of charm— being able to see the world through the other person’s eyes.
[how] First, consciously mirror and match the other person or people with whom you are conversing by listening to their speech and watching their body language
[how] Second, whatever seems to be their topic of the day, try to see it from their point of view
[how] As you practice and repeat these techniques
[insights] Practice every skill you’ve learned so far on every occasion. — Focus on one skill at a time — Use the skills of charm with your family, friends, new acquaintances, and people you work with during the day.
[insights] by incorporating these attitudes into your listening and speaking habits.
[how] you need lots of experience.
The coach was saying that only by going out there and wrestling competitively would this athlete gain experience.
The same thought applies to nearly everything we do.
Thinking about it isn’t doing it. Getting ready isn’t doing it.
Practicing it isn’t doing it. Visualizing it isn’t doing it.
Doing it is doing it! There’s no other way.
have to do something over and over again under real-life circumstances until you don’t need to think about it anymore. — The secret to performing at your best is to condition your mind so thoroughly that your behaviors and responses are easy and automatic.
Visualize yourself in a social or business situation, and see yourself as relaxed, genial, warm, friendly, and charming.
Affirm and repeat to yourself regularly, “I am a completely charming person.” — Every time you say these words, create a mental image of yourself charming another person and enjoying it.
[info] You will make more sales to customers who are eager to buy from you. You will negotiate more effectively, buying at lower prices and selling at higher prices

The Power of Charm : How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation

The Power of Charm : How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation

charm can be learned

The Power of Charm

Pause before replying

Charming a Woman

Behavior Is Everything

Your Tools for Charming Others

Body Language to Avoid

Actions Trigger Feelings

Actions Affect Feelings

Practice Mirroring and Matching

The First Impression

Looking for Clues to How Someone Speaks and Listens

Details versus Emotions

Giving People What They Want

Listen attentively

The Magic

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