!Difficult Conversations

Difficult Conversations

Douglas Stone

Grouped by book topics. Green → ### theme; purple → bold; pink → [insights]; blue → [how]; yellow → [info].

Introduction

  • [insights] our fear of the consequences — whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it.

    • A way to deal creatively with tough problems while treating people with decency and integrity

    • It is helpful to your peace of mind

    • make these conversations less stressful and more productive

    • difficult conversations becoming easier and causing less anxiety. You will be more effective and happier with the results

    • [info] it’s whether you’ve been looking in the right places

  • [insights] shift from a “message delivery stance” to a “learning stance.”

    • Reducing fear and anxiety and learning how to manage that which remains are more obtainable **difficult conversations

The Dilemma: Avoid or Confront

  • [insights] Why is it so difficult to decide whether to avoid or to confront? Because at some level we know the truth: if we try to avoid the problem, we’ll feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we’ll wonder why we don’t stick up for ourselves, and we’ll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things. But if we confront the problem, things might get even worse. We may be rejected, attacked, or misunderstood. We might hurt the other person in ways we didn’t intend, and the relationship might suffer.

    • [info] Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade

    • [info] At heart, the problem isn’t in your actions, it’s in your thinking

    • [info] Eliminating fear and anxiety is an unrealistic goal

    • [insights] Achieving perfect results with no risk will not happen

    • Getting better results in the face of tolerable odds might.

1. Sort Out the Three Conversations

  • The "What Happened?" Conversation

    • The Truth Assumption

      • I am right, and you are wrong

      • They are not about what is true, they are about what is important.

      • understanding the perceptions, interpretations, and values of both sides. It allows us to move away from delivering messages and toward asking questions,exploring how each person is making sense of the world. And to offer our views as perceptions, interpretations, and values - not as 'the truth"

    • The Intention Invention

      • we assume them from other people's behavior.

    • The Blame Frame

      • Focusing instead on understanding what we call the “joint contribution system” allows us to learn about all the various inputs to the problem, and to work on correcting them

  • The Feelings Conversation

  • The Identity Conversation

    • [info] the Identity Conversation is about what I am saying to myself about me.

    • [info] In fact, anytime a conversation feels difficult, it’s in part precisely because it is about You, with a capital Y. Something beyond the apparent substance of the conversation is at stake for you.

  • Moving Toward a Learning Conversation

    • [insight] you want to understand what has happened from the other person’s point of view, explain your point of view, share and understand feelings, and work together to figure out a way to manage the problem going forward. In so doing, you make it more likely that the other person will be open to being persuaded, and that you will learn something that significantly changes the way you understand the problem.

ch2 Explore each other's stories, stop arguing about who's right

  • People almost never change without first feeling understood

  • Different stories: Why we each see the world differently

    • We notice different things
    • we have different interpretations
    • our conclusions reflect self-interest

  • curious about the story

    • your task as understanding them better - trying to make sense of the world as they see it. The act of understanding someone else's story doesn't require you to agree with it, or to give up your own.

ch3 Don't assume they meant it

  • The first mistake: assuming we know their intentions

    • We attribute intentions based on the impact on us

      • We assume the worst
      • we assume bad intentions mean bad character
      • we treat ourselves more charitably

    • Speak to the impact; inquire about their intentions

      • action-impact-assumption path
      • our assumptions are guesses subject to modification or disproof and to share them as such, then see what the other person has to say about it.

  • The second mistake: Assuming good intentions erase bad impact

    • we change the topic of the conversation

      • Intentions are often more complex than just "good" or "bad"

    • Listen for feelings, and reflect on your intentions

ch4 abandon blame: map the contribution system

  • At heart, blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding

  • about contribution

    • Recognizing that everyone involved in a situation has contributed to the problem doesn't mean that everyone has contributed equally
    • as you and the other person look at how you have each contributed to the problem, sharing your feelings is essential

  • Finding your fair shar: hard-to-spot contributions

    • you have allowed the problem to continue unchecked by not having addressed it earlier
    • successful relationships are built on the knowledge that in intersections there is no one to blame. People are just different. If we hope to stay together, we will sometimes have to compromise our preferences and meet in the middle.
    • problematic role assumptions

  • Take responsibility for your contribution early

    • "We've both contributed to this, and I can't fix it by myself. It's neither fair nor sustainable for us to look only at my behavior and not yours ..."
    • help them understand their contribution
      • by sharing the things that triggered you, and making a specific request for how the other peson can change their contribution in the service

5. Have Your Feelings

  • Feelings let us know that we are fully alive

    • feelings are at the heart of what's wrong

    • We try to frame feelings out of the problem

    • Our listening ability often increases remarkably once we have expressed our own strong feelings

      • When important feelings remain unexpressed, you may experience a loss of self-esteem, wondering why you don’t stick up for yourself.

  • Finding your feelings: learn where feelings hide

    • explore your emotional footprint

      • think back to your childhood. which emotions were easily discussed, which is more difficult?
      • exploring the contours of your footprint across a variety of relationships can be extremely helpful in raising your awareness of what you are likely to be feeling and why
      • Learn That Your Feelings Are as Important as Theirs. When you undervalue your own feelings and interests, your friends, and boss may recognize this and begin to see you as someone whose needs don't matter

    • Don't let hidden feelings block other emotions

      • find an entire spectrum of emotions

    • Find the feelings lurking under attributions , judgments, and accusations

  • negotiate with your feelings before saying what you are feeling

    • examine our own story.

      • changing your feelings is through altering your thinking
      • what might the other person's story be?

    • check our assumptions about the other person's intentions

    • consider the contribution system

      • "I know I've contributed to the problems we're having. I think that the anger and frustration I've been feeling has made me focus more on our problems than on our strengths. But when I step back from that, what's also clear to me is that I love you very much, and I'd like for things to get better."

  • Describe Feelings Clearly

    • If feelings are the real issue, then feelings should be addressed.

    • express the full spectrum of your feelings

      • Brad has brought some depth and complexity to the discussion

    • Say "I feel ..."

    • acknowledge feelings, and direct the conversation back to the purpose of understanding

      • "It sounds like these last few months have been hard. When you say you've been feeling neglected, can you say more about what that means to you, and what you were hoping for?"

6. Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What’s at Stake

TODO

7. What’s Your Purpose?: When to Raise It and When to Let Go

  • How to decide to raise or not to raise

    • weigh the pros and cons of raising the tough issue
      • consider not only the potential costs of engaging, but also the potential costs of not engaging
      • the long-term pain if we avoid a vonversation
      • the potential benefits if we invite a conversation

  • work through the conversations

    • Is the real conflict inside you ?
    • As you sort out your feelings or identify your contribution to a situation, maybe a change in your behavior
    • If you're going to talk. Really talk

  • If you raise it: three purposes that work

    • Learning their story

      • what information do they see that we missed? what is their reasoning for why they did what they did?
        what were their intentions? what are they feeling?

    • expressing your views and feelings

      • what is important for you to say about your views, intentions, contributions,feelings, and identity issues. You can share your story

    • Problem-Solving Together

      • satisfy both of your needs? Where your needs conflict

8. Getting Started: Begin from the Third Story

  • Step One: Begin from the Third Story

    • Your purpose in opening the conversation is to invite the other person into a joint exploration
      • "My sense is that you and I see this situation differently. I'd like to share how I'm seeing it, and learn more about how you're seeing it."
      • "I wanted to talk about ... I wanted to understand why you see things the way you do,and to share with you my perspective and feelings."

  • Step Two: Extend an invitation

    • Invite, think of the goal as "offering and discussing a possible description and purpose"
    • Make them your partner in figuring it out

  • delivering bad news

    • share the news up front as clearly and empathetically as you can. And then invite the other person into a third story frame: "Here's the news; you have your views and reactions; I have mine; Let's make room to discuss each of these."

  • Making Requests

    • invite an exploration of whether a raise is fair, whether it makes sense
    • "I'd like to explore whether a raise for me might make sense. From the information I have, I think I deserve one. [reasoning.] I wonder how you see it?"

  • A map for going forward: Third story, their story, your story

    • Explore where each story comes from
    • share the impact on you
    • take responsibility for your contribution and explore theirs
    • describe feelings; inquire about their
    • reflect on the identity issues

9. Learning: Listen from the Inside Out

  • Listening Transforms the conversation

    • learning about the other person
    • listening to them helps them listen to you
      • listen for the feelings underneath their views, like frustration or pride or fear, and acknowledge those feelings
    • listening well enhances your ability to influence them
      • it helps you better undersatnd the hesitations, feelings, hopes, interests, and concerns driving the other person's choices, enabling you to address directly what matters most to them

  • The stance of curiosity

    • Forget the words, focus on authenticity

      • Authenticity means that you are listening because you are curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to
      • what will be communicated most powerfully is whether you are genuinely curious, whether you genuinely care about the other person and what they think and feel
      • If your intentions are false, no amount of careful wording or good posture will help

    • Managing your internal voice

      • Finding and listening to yourself own internal voice is the crucial first step
        • Only when you're fuly aware of your own thougths and feelings can you begin to manage them and focus on the other person
      • If you keep focused on the purpose of understanding why they see it differently, your internal voice will shift
      • If this doesnot work, you may first have to express your internal voice before trying to listen to the other person
        • let the other person know that you want to listen and care, but that you cannot listen just yet
        • "I'm surprised to hear you say that. I think I disagree, but first, say more about how you see it."

  • Inquiry to learn

    • The only good answer is "To learn more."; whether a question will help or hurt the conversation by thinking about why you asked it
      • Donot make statements disguised as questions
      • share your view as an observation, and then ask for the other person's reaction
      • ask open-ened quesions to better understand them
      • giving them the choice of whether to answer

  • Paraphrase for clarity

    • check your understanding
    • show that you've heard

  • Acknowledge their feelings

    • Feelings crave acknowledgment
    • Acknowledge before problem-solving
    • acknowledging is not agreeing
      • we can acknowledge the power and importance of the feelings, while disagreeing with the substance of what is being said.

  • whether to listen is a strategic choice you'll have to make

    • Many situations are not a question of whose view makes sense, but how to manage competing rights, views, or needs that are all more or less legitimate.

10. Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power

  • Recognizing your entitlement is a first step in finding your voice and the courage to stand up for yourself when you feel frightened or powerless

    • Whenever I have felt intimidated or mistreated by someone 'above' me, I remember this - we are all equal in the eyes of God
    • my views and feelings are as legitimate, valuable, and important as yours - no more, but no less. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
    • My silences had no protected me.

  • Beware self-sabotage

    • Sometimes we can feel trapped between the belief that we should stand up for ourselves and a hidden feeling that we don't deserve to be heard

      • why aren't you entitled? whose voice from your past do you hear in your head telling you you're not? when and why do you assume that your thoughts and feelings matter less than those of others in your organization, neighborhood, or family? what would you need to feel fully entitled to speak up?

    • Most of us actually prefer being with someone who will speak their mind

      • You presume that they will not respect or like or admire you as much if they know how you really think and feel.
      • he never stated a preference, never argued, never raised his voice, never asked for anything. she felt sth was missing: him.
      • meaning relationships are more often enhanced than harmed by the expression of vulnerabilty; such sharing takes trust and a certain faith in others. A relationship takes hold and grows when each person feels safe to be themselves and feels seen for who they are.

    • Sometimes we don't express ourselves because we assume it's not our place

    • work to create an environment where everyone feels encouraged to share. Make that space as safe and inviting as possible.

  • Speak the heart of the matter

    • Start with what matters most
      • "Have I said what is at the heart of the matter for me?" Have I shared what is at stake?"
      • If not, ask yourself why, and see if you can find the courage to try

    • Say what you mean: don't make them guess

      • You need to figure out what you are really thinking and feeling, and then say it directly: "I'd like to spend more time with you, and saturday morning was one of the few times we had to spend together. If I seem resentful of how much time you're spending on social media, it's because I miss you."

    • use the 'me-me' and, don't make your story simplistic

      • the and stance recognizes that each of your various perceptions, feelings, and assumptions is important to talk about

  • Telling your story with Clarity

    • don't present your conclusions as the Truth

      • use "My view is that ...,"
      • If you wanna say sth is 'inappropriate' preface your judgment with 'My view is that ...,", and explain why you think it's inappropriate
      • be clear about the nature of what you're asserting: "here's what I ..."

    • Share where your conclusions come from

      • share where these conclusions come from: what specific information is in your heads? what past experiences influence how you're thinking about this?

    • don't exaggerate with 'always' and 'never': give them room to change

      • the key is to communicate your feelings in a way that invites and encourages the recipient to consider new ways of behaving

  • They'll need your help in understanding you

    • recognize that different people take in information at different speeds and in different ways
    • ask the mto paraphrase back
    • ask how they see it differently - and why
      • if you ask explicitly for how they see it differently, which parts they disagree with, or what questions or doubts they have, you are more likely to discover their true reaction.

  • the secret of powerful expression is recognizing that you are the ultimate authority on you

    • Speak fully the range of your experience and you will be clear. Speak for yourself and you speak with power

11. Problem-Solving: Take the Lead

  • “So I wanted to raise it, but I was nervous. Then I remembered the advice about not trying to control the other person’s reaction. I’m raising it because I think it’s important, and I’m going to do it as well as I can, and if Michael isn’t interested in talking, or if he isn’t open, well, at least I tried, and I can feel good that I stuck up for myself.”

  • Skills for Leading the conversation

    • reframe the conversation from blame to a learning conversation

      • Truth -> different stories
        • "I want to make sure I understand your perspective. I'd also like to share my perspective on the situation"
      • Accusations -> Intentions and impact
        • "It wasn't my intention. Can you say more about how you felt?"
      • Blame -> Joint contribution
        • "I'm sure I've contributed to the problem; I think we both have. Rather than focus on whose fault this is, I'd like just to look at how we got here - at what we each contributed to the situation."
      • Judgments, characterizations -> Feelings
        • "it sounds like you're feeling really unhappy with my behavior"
      • What's wrong with you -> what's going on for you
        • "the question is whether we can work together to figure out how to address both of our concerns"

    • avoid engaging in an argument over whether that was true by using 'and' to embrace both stories

    • listen, ask questions, and try to understand how she experiences this issue

      • "what are you thinking?"

    • Make the trouble explicit

      • put on the table as a topic for discussion what you see happening in the conversation itself
      • "Here's what I'm noticing."
      • "I really do want to know what's upsetting you, and I want us to find a way to talk about it that ..."

  • difficult conversations require a certain amount of compromise and mutual accommodation to the other's needs

    • Gather Information and Test Your Perceptions
      • ask their advice
      • "help me understand how you would feel and how you might think, if you were in my shoes"

    • ask what standards should apply

      • look for standards or fair principles to guide a resolution
      • If you can’t find a creative way to solve the problem, ask what standards of fairness should apply, and why

    • If you still cann't agree, consider your alternatives

      • Should you accept less than what you want, or should you accept the consequences of not agreeing

ch12 Putting it all together

TODO

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