Understanding your emotions

2025-02-09

All emotions are an important source of information about what's going on inside us

  • emotions give purpose, priority, and focus to our thinking
    • a subjective experience in our conscious minds
recognize present emotional state

  • Understanding Emotions

    • Emotions are the sensation of experiencing a change in you energy; It's very much like a freshwater spring

    • want to keep it suppressed because it is much too sensitive and reactive

      • if you feel an uncomfortable emotion, and you go right to the mind and rationalize it away; "He didn't mean it, it's okay. Don't take it so personally." That's if you're being positive. Or your mind is telling your heart, "it's ok, I'll take care of it." You're simply directing your awareness to your mind, so you don't have to feel the difficult emotions emanating from your heart.

      • always the same conscious awareness experiencing what is going on inside
        积极的情绪， 会不想 shift awareness from the beauty in your heart to the rational mind; 糟糕的情绪， change the inner experience by letting your thoughts distract you from what's happeining in the heart

      • to protect yourself from the disturbance, you closed your heart

    • Emotions are a release of blocked energy

  • self

    • Are we feeling up or down? Pleasant or unpleasant?

  • read nonverbal cues

    • facial expressionas, vocal tones, body language

  • The Mood Meter

    • Yellow - high levels of pleasantness and energy
      • happy, excited, optimistic
    • Red - low pleasantness but high energy
      • angry, anxious, frustrated, or scared, but also passionate, assertive, competitive
    • green - high pleasantness but low energy
      • peaceful, contented, serene
    • blue - low pleasantness and energy
      • sandness-depression
Understanding emotion - why?

  • Why do you or I feel this way?

    • "what's happening that makes you hate it so much? "
    • What caused this feelings?

    • Why, of all the possible reactions, that particular one?

      • what matters is the person's experience?
      • Take real bravery to follow the investigation to the end, paired with genuine motivation, this skill empowers us to be better friends, family members, students, colleagues, and partners

    • understaning emotions is a journey. Possibly an adventure

      • when it's finished, we may find ourselves someplace new, someplace unexpected, somewhere, perhaps, we had no intention of going. And yet there we are, wiser than before - maybe wiser than we wished to be.

    • Why 觉察法

      • 一旦你不去找别人的原因,而是一层一层地问自己, 你会发现一些关于自己曾经没有意识到的部分(find something new about yourself),这就是所谓的苦难给你的最大财富

  • emotions and their linked causes

    • fear

      • Your biggest strength is hiding behind fear. Look closer
        • "what is fear protecting?"
        • "what strength is trying to emerge?"
        • inner strength grows by facing fear
          • Fear Reveals what matters most
          • Fear guards the threshold of growth

    • Anger

      • Something needs to change

    • Frustration

      • You're stuck - try a new way

    • shame, guilt, and embarrassement

      • Shame is a judgment from the outside
        • this part of you needs love and acceptance
      • Guilt is a judgment we make of ourselves
        • You did something that doesn't match your values
      • Embarrassment
    • Jealousy and envy
      • That's what you really want. let it inspire you
        • Jealousy is a form of fear of losing someone important to you
      • envy is caused by our coveting sth that's not ours
    • Joy and contentment
      • Joy is caused by a sense of getting what one wants
      • contentment is caused by a sense of completeness (not wanting or needing anything)
    • Stress and pressure
      • Stress is a response to too many demands and not enough resources
      • pressure is the force from the outside that tells us sth important is at stake, and whether we succeed or fail will depend on how we perfrom
labeling emotions

  • robust emotion vocabularies

  • our emotions become a form of communication, a way to share the experience of being alive

    • label what we feel and describe why, the more likely we are to get the empathy or help we need
    • anxiety
expressing emotions

  • expression enhances our lives

    • accept and acknowledge that there's no shame in expressing our emotions

  • listening

    • conspicuously open, patient, and sympathetic to whatever's being said
    • I want to understand you and help you. I'm here for you. I'm not judging.

emotional words

  • micro-expressions - brief flashes of emotion across the face - are universal

    • surprise
    • anger - Anger is a response to a perceived threat or injustice
    • fear

    • disgust - 反感

      • a strong feeling of disapproval and dislike at a situation, person's behaviour, etc.
      • disgust is a response to something that is considered offensive or unclean
      • Disgust, for example, involves down-turned lips

    • happiness

    • contempt - 蔑视
      • a strong feeling of disliking and having no respect for someone or something
      • contempt is a response to someone or something that is considered inferior or unworthy
      • inadvertently pulling one side of the mouth up

  • anger

    • 生气，愤怒，抓狂，愤慨， 发火，不耐烦，烦躁，讨厌，厌恶，嫌恶，怨恨，自责
    • 失望，嫉妒，不甘心，轻视，藐视，不屑

  • fear

    • scared - a more intense feeling
    • terrified or petrified
    • worried
    • nervous
    • 恐惧，害怕，惊愕，慌乱，心慌，慌张，胆怯
    • 压力，不安，着急，担心，忧虑，焦虑，疑虑，烦恼，彷徨，警觉

  • happy

    • an outward expression - pleased - at one specific time
    • 快乐，幸福，得意，开心，雀跃，惊喜，欢喜，狂喜，愉悦，喜悦，兴奋，欢喜， 狂喜，愉悦，喜悦，舒服，欢愉，愉快，畅快，欣慰，满足，好玩，有趣，叹为观止， 亲密，浪漫，意乱情迷，爱意，依恋，迷恋，销魂，光荣，骄傲，有信心
    • 温暖，自在，安心，安全感，平静，期待，笃定，放松，如释重负，感动，感激，幸运

  • excitement

    • an outward expression

  • joy - an inner feeling, connect with meaning and purpose

  • relieved

    • feel relieved when you're free from pressure or stress

  • sad

    • miserable - a deep unhappiness
    • down - feel unhappy generally
      • apathetic - don't care about anything or have any interest in things
    • 伤心，哀伤，悲伤，悲痛，心碎，忧虑，忧闷，忧愁，痛苦，无奈，无助，无望，泄气，怜惜，不舍， 可怜，心酸，凄凉，绝望，挫折，委屈，沮丧，倒霉，沉重，哀怨，苦恼，苦闷
    • 自卑，孤独，寂寞，空虚，疏离，后悔，懊恼，愧疚，抱歉，羞愧

  • confusion

    • mixed up
    • torn

  • shame

    • humiliated - a deep feeling of shame
    • embarrassed

Permission to Feel

  • recognize our own emotions and those of others in facial expressions, body language, vocal tones, and other nonverbal signals

  • Understand those feelings and determine their source and then see how they've influenced our behaviors

    • what experiences actually caused them

  • label emotions with a nunanced vocabulary

  • express our feelings in accordance with cultural norms and social contexts in a way that tries to inform and invites empathy form the listener

  • regulate emotions, rather than let them regulate us, by finding practical strategies for dealing with what we and others feel

express your love

  • 同理心会话

    • 以真实的渴望，了解她的思想，感觉和愿望

      • 听感觉问自己 ”她正体验什么样的情绪“
      • ”听起来你觉得失望， 因为我 ...“
      • ”你是不是需要 ...“

    • 学习表白自己

      • 告诉对方自己的思想和感觉

    • 一起面对你们的问题和担扰，不要过于克制和隐藏

      • 这样她才知道你信任她，你们两个会更亲近

    • 開始在你生命中嘗試，看看你能為別人做些什麼

  • Good vibe, positive, open-minded

    • Good vibe - the positive feelings given off by a person, place, or situation

  • gentle, modest and giving

    • 先考虑对方感受
      • 听感觉问自己 ”她正体验什么样的情绪“
      • 将心比心 - 试着了解对方的感受
    • 温柔
      • “你能不能告诉我， 我到底错在哪里”
    • 细节
      • 开门
    • 不影响别人， 公共意识强

notes on self care

  • In comes from within

    • focus on yourself and not the world
    • fight the battles inside you first and then watch the world change around you

  • Master your emotions

    • stay in touch with your primary emotions long enough

      • recognize and challenge your secondary emotions can help you reduce their effects
      • the secondary emotions usually cover up what you really feel and send confusing signals to the outside world about what you need. For example, if you are sad and need support and closeness, signaling secondary anger will tell others that they should stay away and thus create distance.

    • love and accept yourself

    • Control your life

      • No one will control you

    • express emotions, but they don't lead you

      • your emotions no longer dictate your actions

    • self-confidence - an outcome of doing well

      • understand, value, and apply the Core Assets -> happier, and more resilient

    • 自強不息，明辨是非，你的前行就充滿陽光和力量

      • 找个自己能踏踏实实做的事情，用心琢磨， 当你做出成绩时，就会觉得这事有意思，有成就感，慢慢就能越做越好
      • 国人因精神懒惰而带来的那种宿命情结，而导致给自己找主子
      • 国人在集体中寻找个人价值 同时伺机破坏规则的狡猾

    • The world just reflects your own feelings back at you.

      • Reality has no judgements
      • 对现实的认知是关键

    • everyone makes mistakes, what people want to see is how you respond to it and improve

  • self-care - love and accept yourself

    • Find yourself, be true to yourself and never stray from that person

      • Other people's opinion doesn't matter

      • every problem is not your problem

        • To live your life worried about others is to live a lie
        • quit trying to save everyone and focus on what you can control

      • Accept your faults for what they are and never stop working on them

    • skipped toxic people

    • 不会随意扩大自己的情绪响应人群, 感性的人会自动将响应对象限定在自己的亲人好友和少数熟人

      • 感性的人对日常的人和事有丰富的情绪响应，很快能够设身处地、从对方的视角和角度来看待问题、感受生活
      • 这是刹车装置，起到自我保护作用

    • stoicism (对痛苦处之泰然) strengthens your meditation

      • stoicism (the quality of experiencing pain or trouble without complaining or showing your emotions)
        • a well-ordered mind
      • be aware of the sounds, sights around you
      • be aware of your breath

    • 识别真正消耗能量的压力来源

      • The fundamental insecurity - most ppl need failth in something

        • religion, givt, academia
        • Few are comfortable with decentralized systems

      • 内心戏 -> 叫停内心戏的关键在于觉察，一旦觉察在内心编故事，赶快叫停止损

      • 压力

        • 写下来，辩真伪； 伪->不管； 真-> 定解决方案

      • Forgiving - Ignore nonsense

        • Forgiving does not depend on their apology
        • Forgiving them means that their actions don't control you anymore

  • Integrity - be good people and do the right thing

    • strong moral compasses

      • know what's right, care about what's right, and do what's right
      • this sets boundaries, resist temptations, and guide on how to act the right way
      • it gives peace of mind when you do the right thing
      • thus you are true to yourself and honest with others

    • learn by example

      • warmth, reasonable demands, and high responsiveness
      • "You know our rules - I know you can do better."

  • avoid toxic people or losers

    • victim mentality

      • ones that complain, gossip, and play victim

    • never returns them, always wants favors

      • can't learn anything from them
      • drain you or try to control you
      • they don't understand the concept of boundaries
      • low self awareness

    • put you down

      • feel happy when you lose

    • always lie to you

    • disrespect you
      • if people didn't respect without money, they won't respect you with it

  • self-care

    • INTP

      • ESFP

    • Don't give away your emotions for free

      • stop feeling responsible for how they treat you
      • it is not your worth and not you

    • learn to say no

      • some people feel no shame when they take advantage of your kindness
      • take calculated risks, and be willing to work harder than anyone else

    • you don't need the approval of others

      • don't have to explain yourself to someone who has never taken the time to get to know you
      • you can lead your life, don't limit yourself

    • assertive

      • behave confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe
      • never apologize to anyone for being who you are
      • once you've accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you

    • learn to say no

      • some people feel no shame when they take advantage of your kindness

    • avoid toxic people

      • treat you like your time doesn't matter
      • your feelings are worthless

      • your soul is replaceable

      • drain you or try to control you

      • make you question your self worth
      • don't apologize for their shitty behavior
      • cause you a lot of harm and unhappiness over a long period of time
      • toxic people are usually people who don't understand the concept of boundaries
      • they manipulate you to get what they want
      • they always play the victiom
      • don't associate with people with low self awareness

    • Never trust a guy who is insecure

    • a happy person isn't someone who's happy all the time

      • he effortlessly interprets events in such a way that they don't lose their innate peace

The heart vs The mind

  • Balance between a soft heart and a sharp intellect

    • It truly makes you happy and you have a well-informed decision

      • if you are able to identify the consequences and still want to do it or have a way to address said consequences if you do jump in you

    • Reflect on both your approach and your reactions

      • hold back 3-5 seconds, evaluate what I am about to say, and the merit of its value to the discussion

      • how you message things as much as the impact as the words themselves

        • the moments you have made comments both with all heart or all mind,reflect on the mistakes you have made

      • reflect on your reactions, where have you allowed someone's words to affect you emotionally

        • we create the reactions we have, and we choose to give power to some people and not to others
        • our reactions are ultimately within our control
        • "If a crazy homeless person on the subway gave you the kind of feedback you received, how would you react"

      • when you communicate with another person, you're exploring the depths of your own consciousness

        • the purpose of each relationship is to teach you how to love yourself from the inside out
        • when you learn to love everyone and everything, you come into alignment with your true self

    • Dealing with your family and friends with your heart and business with your head

  • A soft heart

    • your heart is more of the carefree, easy-going part of the thought process that allows you to follow a passion or go down a route that may not make sense but just feels right

      • following your heart can lead you to be happier and better adjusted then sometimes, the greater risk can lead to the greater reward
      • friendly and comfortable with everyone
        • sensitive to others'needs, feelings, and emotions

    • when you tune into the heart station, your attitude adjusts and you find responses that are much more staisfying to you and better for the whole

      • shift your attention on the heart area and breather slowly and deeply

      • reconnect with feelings of appreciation or care for someone or something in your life

        • Notice how this extended radiation of care has affected your body, emotions and thinking
        • appreciation - the act of recognizing or understanding that something is valuable, important, or as described
        • care - the process of protecting someone or something and providing what that person or thing needs

      • radiate the feelings of appreciation or care toward yourself and others

    • meditation

      • when we perceive the world as a part of us, love flows strongly between the world and us

      • oneness

        • truth + love
        • knowing you're already connected

  • a sharp intellect

    • the mind lets you weigh the pros and cons, think of potential consequences, and look at it from a more logical perspective

    • in the workplace, following your mind can lead to fewer failures and leave you in a more stable position because you've weighted your pros and cons

    • the approach was purely a logical outburst, with little consideration for the feelings of the other person, not considered using his heart in the situation

      • sensitive to others'needs, feelings, and emotions

Personal Development for Smart People

  • Truth

    • share information and learn from each other

  • Love

    • connect on love, express affection and enjoy each other's company

    • love

      • the choice to approach or avoid
      • initiate connections with others and then communicate to explore the depths of those bonds
      • when you communicate with another person, you're exploring the depths of your own consciousness
      • when you learn to love everyone and everything, you come into alignment with your true self

    • connection

      • freedom to connect with what you want and to disconnect from what you don't want

    • communication

      • enough common ground to form a strong bond while also stimulating growth in new directions
      • identify shared interests, values, and attitudes; explore and learn from the differences

      • mutual understanding rooted in love and trust

        • sharing build trust, and trust creates stronger bonds
          • immerse yourself in an activity with another person, like going on a date, a party, or on a vacation together
        • connect with each other for the purpose of learning and growing
        • smiling, eye contact, an open posture

      • the true purpose of relationships is self-exploration

        • you are exploring different aspects of yourself
        • explore you thoughts in writing, my external world has shifted to reflect that internal growth

    • community

      • you can presuppose that everyone else is a part of you

        • everyone has something to teach you. Loving another person becomes the same thing as loving a part of yourself

      • Recognize that you're both part of the same whole

        • hold that thought for a moment, and notice that it feels good

    • Appreciation

      • a recent accomplishment
      • point out a unique talent or skill you admire, or share a small detail that impresses you

  • Power - decide consciously

    • encourage and support each other to achieve your dreams

    • self-determination

      • completely free to decide what you want
      • no matter what happens, you're responsible
      • you can never reduce your responsibility by trying to make yourself powerless

    • focus your attention on what you want

      • aligning yourself with truth and love will help you evaluate the possibilities
      • consciously claim your power and do the best you can with it
      • as you grow your power, you'll be able to fulfill your needs and desires with greater ease.

    • focus on the present, and how this goal can improve the quality of your life in this very moment

      • consider how the goal improve your life right now
      • "how does setting this goal improve my present reality?"

    • you'll learn a lot about yourself when you discover the kinds of goals that really drive you

    • fail

      • it's better to fail as the powerful being you are instead of trying to hide from the truth and live as a mouse
      • when you make mistakes and learn from them, you grow stronger

  • Oneness

    • integrate the mental and the emotional sides

      • if only emotional side, you'll intuitively sense that we're all connected on some level, but you'll lack a sensible model of reality in which your intuitive understanding can be explained
      • you'll feel connected and joyful at times, but you'll have a hard time integrating that into all parts of your life

    • how

      • start with logic or intuition
      • then use your progress as leverage to explore the other side
      • you can even switch back and forth in order to gradually elevate both aspects

    • in the mind, deciding to view the world through the interconnectedness

      • see yourself as part of a larger body, and to accept the new level of responsibility that arises from that perspective

      • choose to cooperate instead of compete

      • nonviolence is more intelligent than violence
      • fairness is a better approach than prejudice
        • Fairness means treating people according to their needs
        • explore the differences and develop them into talents
        • fairly balance the needs of the individual with the needs of the larger whole

    • the emotional choice is to tune into this ever-present connection and to experience it as joy

      • feel the connectedness directly, experience oneness is a much more natural and nonthreatening manner
      • grasp it on an intuitive level

  • Authority

  • Courage

  • Intelligence

Permission to feel

  • Feel Emotions

    • How are you feeling?

      • Give ourselves and others permission to feel
      • Accept and acknowledge that there's no shame in expressing our emotions

    • open minds and good intentions

      • his sincere interest in me and how I felt and his obvious desire to help me
      • I'm here for you. I want to understand you and help you. I'm not judging.

    • emotions determine what you care about in the moment

      • Identify, express, and harness feelings can help us create positive, satisfying lives
      • the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions

  • Recognize Emotion

    • Just sense it. Feel it.

      • take a slow, deep breath

        • turn off your analytic mind for a moment
        • get a clear - visceral - sense of your underlying emotional state

      • What is your emotional state at this exact moment?

      • check for physical clues? Am I energized or depleted?
      • energy + pleasantness

    • notice a change in one's own thoughts, energy, or body or in someone else's facial expression, body language, or voice

    • basic emotions

      • happiness (present and past)

        • joy - an inner feeling, connect with meaning and purpose

      • sadness (past)

        • disappointment <- unmet expectations
        • down
        • miserable - a deep unhappiness

      • anger (present)

        • <- unfairness

      • fear (future)

        • fear is the sense of a danger that lies just ahead

        • anxiety is worry about future uncertainty and our inability to control what will happen to us

        • pressure is the force from the outside that tells us something important, and will depend on how we perform

        • stress is what we feel when facing too many demands and fear we may not be up to it

      • surprise (future)

      • disgust - a strong feeling of disapproval and dislike

  • Understand Emotion

    • understand those feelings and know their source

      • what experiences actually caused those feelings, then see how they influence our thoughts and decisions

    • try to understand our own feelings

      • what just happened?

        • Tell me something: what's going on?
        • what was I doing before I started feeling this way? who were you with?
        • "what's happening at X that makes you hate it so much?"

      • How are you feeling?

      • why do you feel that way?

        • What is the underlying reason for this feeling?
        • search for the underlying theme or possible cause that fuels the emotion
        • what memories do I have about this situation or place?

      • what do you need right now? what can I do to support you?

  • Label Emotion

    • labeling emotions accurately increases self-awareness and helps us to communicate emotions effectively, reducing misunderstanding in social interactons

    • patterns

      • shame, guilt, and embarrassment

        • shame is from the outside - from our perception that other people believe we broke a moral or ethical rule or some shared convention
        • guilt is we make of ourselves when we feel remorse or responsibility for something we did, usually something that feels wrong
        • embarrassment is when we've been caught violating some social norm, such as how to dress for an occasion, or how to behave in a certain situation

      • Jealousy and envy

        • jealousy is a form of fear of losing someone important to you, especially to someone else like romantic couple or children or classmates

          • feel threatened and fear the loss of their relationship

        • envy has to do with wanting something that someone else has

      • Joy and contentment

        • joy feels energetic; joy is caused by a sense of getting what one wants
        • contentment feels calm; contentment is caused by a sense of completeness (not wanting or needing anything)

      • Stress and pressure

        • Stress is a response to too many demands and not enough resources to meet them
        • pressure is a situation where you perceive something is dependent on the ourcome of your performance like performing in front of a group or acing an interview

    • Yellow - high-energy, high-pleasantness feelings

      • happy
      • joy
      • surprise
      • excitement

    • Red - high-energy, unpleasant

      • anger
      • fear
      • anxiety
        • an uncomfortable feeling of nervousness or worry about something that is happening or might happen in the future

    • Blue - low-energy, low-pleasantness

      • sad

    • Green - low-energy, high-pleasantness

      • feel calm or content

  • Express Emotion

    • know how and when to display our emotions, depending on the setting, the people we're with, and the context

  • Regulate Emotion

    • monitor, temper, and modify emotional reactions in helpful ways to reach personal and professional goals
    • use this skills/strategies to manage their own emotions and help others with theirs
    • TODO

The Self-Awareness Onion

  • understanding your emotions

    • identify blind spots in ourselves and then expressing the affected emotions appropriately
    • fear -> angry, upset, worried, uninspired, sad
    • love

  • ask why we feel certain emotions

    • the root cause of the emotions that overwhelm us. Once we understand that root cause, we can ideally do something to change it
    • why do you feel uninspired? why do you feel worried? you failed to achieve some goal? what you consider success or failure?
    • 引起我情緒的那些念頭都是真的嗎？
    • 當下，我的生命中，什麼才是真的？
      • 我提醒自己，只有我能对自己的情绪负责，从真实发生的事情中进入当下

  • your underlying values

    • if you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and how you measure failure/success

    • values-based questions and the metric to assess progress toward that value

      • why do you feel such a need to be rich in the first place?
      • how am I choosing to measure myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me? Why do you consider this to be success/failure?

    • define good, healthy values

      • reality-based, socially constructive, immediate and controllable
      • can be achieved internally, immediate and controllable and engage you with the world
      • honesty (you have complete control over, reflects reality, and it benefits others), self-respect, curiosity, humility, creativity
      • bad values are generally reliant on exernal events, outside of your control, socially destructive or magic to achieve
        • manipulation or violence, being liked by everybody,feeling good all the time, not being liked by everybody

    • 当我们面对内心的恐惧时， 抛开“应该” 然后我们就会发现“烦”随之消散，结果比我们规划的还要好

  • Values are about prioritization

    • you values determine the nature of your problems, the nature of your problems determines the quality of your lives
    • the question is your priorities, and that therefore influence your decision-making

  • reference

    • ch4 - The Value of Suffering

Intuition

  • mindfulness

    • being aware of your body, mind, and feelings in the present moment, thought to create a feeling of clam

    • high sensitive people feel everything on a much deeper level

      • we feel your energy shifts, intentions, judgments, lies and truths
      • we don't just experience your surface level emotions

    • make sure protect your energy

      • there's nothing wrong with being sensitive, but make sure protect your energy

    • embrace your gift

      • your sensitivity invites you to be more creative, empathetic, understanding and loving towards others
      • your purity makes you who you are
        • you love deeply and think deeply about life

  • self-awareness

    • observe your thoughts, emotions, behaviors
    • self-awareness leads to self-control
      • do the hard things
      • avoid the toxic things
      • invest in developing control

Empathy - think "we", not "me"

  • help us care about each other and help bring out the humanity in the best possible way

  • build relationship satisfaction

improve your emotional intelligence

  • being emotional intelligence

    • knowing and understanding yourself, thus, it helps you make better decisions

    • spare us from emotional suffering because we know where it comes from and we know how to handle it and maybe not even impose it upon others

    • help us deal with interpersonal relationships because we also connect on a different level

    • a world full of mutual understanding, acceptance, tolerance and connection

  • 6 steps

    • acknowledge emotions

      • ask "how they are feeling"
      • show iMessage

    • differentiate and analyze emotions

      • different emotions and their functions

    • accept and appreciate emotions

    • reflect on your emotions and their origin

      • knowing why we feel the way you do help me handle the feeling

    • handle your emotions

      • how do you approach that topic or this emotion?

    • handle the emotions of others

      • observe and determine what their current emotional state

        • understanding and awareness are the keys

      • develop empathy by acknowledging and meeting them in their emotional state

        • ask "how you can support them" they might know that
        • "how they can support themselves" because that way you know only help them in the acute situation

  • reference

  • Focus on what matters

    • Notice your thoughts

      • "What your body feels like"
      • "What your ears hear"
      • "what is happening right now"

    • recoginze

      • "How am I feeling" -> "what's causing it"
      • take a slow, deep breath -> calm down

    • positive self-talk

      • "I think I can"
      • "I can get through this"
      • "I don't like it, but I can handle it"
      • "Stay calm. Carry on"

    • Stop, Think, Act Right

affective empathy - feel with another

  • recognize and feel others' emotions

  • read nonverbal cues in facial expressions, gestures, posture, and vocie tone

    • happy, sad, stressed, scared, frustrated, and angry
    • ask
      • "How did that make you feel?"
      • "are you anxious, worried, sad?"

    • share feelings in a safe way

      • "I'm frustrated with this book."
      • "I'm irritable ..."

    • create family connections

      • "what was the best/hardest/most fun part of your day and why"

  • listening fully

    • look eye-to-eye or on the wall behind the speaker's head

    • try to learn one common thing about the person or sth you have in common

      • "we both like ... "
      • "we had the same ..."

    • label the feeling

      • "you sound stressed"
      • "you seem angry"
      • " you look happy"
      • "can I help", "I'm glad you told me"
cognitive empathy - perspective taking

  • step into her shoes, understand his view and take his perspective

  • understand others' feelings, thoughts, and desires

    • they can grasp others' needs
behavioral empathy - act with compassion

  • do something to help

  • how to care

    • console - "I'm sorry", "You didn't deserve that"
    • assist - "Do u need help?"
    • reassure - "I'm here for you"
    • empathize - "I know how you feel"

  • 教育

    • 西方家庭父母不太包办孩子饮食， 但很注重语言沟通和情感援助
      • 会尽量利用吃饭时间倾听孩子，一起聊天，比较容易及时发现情绪问题

职场

  • 觉察

    • 觉察他人对自己的影响，同时分辨出自己内心的声音，同时做出自己相应的选择
    • 容易受到他人的影响， 会变成自我暗示

  • 情商

    • 在与人打交道过程中，通过 感知对方想法，觉察并处理自身情绪，从而做出正确反应的能力

  • 需要让愤怒尽量远离自身

    • 当感知自己的愤怒时，别做出任何冲动的决定，别说出让自己后悔的话
    • 深呼吸十次，会感受到愤怒的毒素正从大脑中慢慢流走

  • 不要抱怨，不要被抱怨的人影响

    • 没有完美的工作，但我们可以通过努力 让境遇变好
    • 提醒自己尽量 别被周围爱抱怨的人所影响

  • 不要在公开场合对上司说“不”

    • 上司渴望被他人尊重
    • 要使 上司“信任”下属“，下属对管理者的”尊重“很重要
    • 可选择在合适的私人时间， 以有逻辑，有建设性的方式阐述你的看法，既能体现尊重，也能表现出你对工作的热忱

  • 不要做最聪明的那个，尤其不要假装你是

    • 看待每个人身上的优点，不仅是予人方便，更是予己方便
    • 从日常中获得反馈，尽管这反馈并不总是正面，也能从中收获能量让自己更踏实前行

  • 不要专注于你改变不了的事情

  • 不管发生什么，保持平静

    • 没有一件事重要到如果搞砸了就会 天崩地裂的程度
    • 当坏情况发生时， 别忙着“追责”，先想想如何“建设”，怎样可以让情况变得没那么糟； 当局面转好之后，心情也会渐渐平静
    • 不论发生什么情况，总能心平气和，条分缕析，照顾他人情绪，找出解决之道

  • 让别人有舒适感

    • 所有人都希望被重视，都渴望获得认可
    • 当别人犯错时，别急着指责，私下里讨论更合适； 当别人遇到难关，提供帮助让人心生感激
    • 不要试图去讨好任何人 - 30%人喜欢我们，30%憎恶我们，剩下的人对我们无感，这是生活常态
    • 试图讨好所有人，不仅会让自己疲劳，更是一件没有尽头的苦差

  • 你和你的观点并不等同

    • 别人反对你的观点，并不一定是讨厌你

  • 勇敢说出来

    • 尽管我们需要学会照顾他人的感受，但永远不能成为“顺从”的人； 当你有不同建议时，要有勇气有艺术性地表达出来
    • 不允许不同意见的表达，赶紧逃离

  • reference

Empathy - think "we", not "me"

  • help us care about each other and help bring out the humanity in the best possible way

  • build relationship satisfaction

reference