About Coaching

Note

• 了解人性

life coash

Coaching as a leader

• You don't need to have all the solutions

  • You do need to be able to connect with people, to inspire them to do their best, and to help them search inside and discover their own answers

• It's unrealistic and ill-advised to expect leaders to have all the answers

  • By using coaching, leaders can still be effective without knowing all the answewrs and without telling employees what to do
  • Coaching is about connecting with people, inspiring them to do their best, and helping them to grow
    • Coaching is also about challenging people to come up with the answers they require on their own

• Asking open-ended questions

  • init "so, where would you like to start?"

    • may well set some limits to the conversation
    • "I'm not prepared to talk about the budget today"
    • "I'd like to discuss last week's meeting, in addition to what's on your list"

  • identify different modes of inquiry

    • diagnostic inquiry
      • focusing the other person's attention on specific aspects of their story, such as feelings and reactions, underlying causes or motives, or actions taken or contemplated
      • "You seem frustrated with Chris. How's that relationship going?"
      • "It sounds like there's been some tension on your team. What do you think is happening?"
      • "That's an ambitious goal for that project. How are you planning to get there?"
    • Confrontational inquiry
      • Challenge aspects of their story by introducting new ideas and hypotheses
      • "You've been talking about Chris's shortcomings. How might you be contributing to the problem?"
      • "That's an exciting plan, but it has a lot of moving parts. What happens if you're behind schedule?"

• Listen

  • make the other person truly feel heard
    • eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, tics

• Empathize

  • Empathy is the ability not only to comprehend another person's point of view, but also to vicariously experience their emotions

  • Feeling and expressing empathy is critical to helping the other person defuse their embarrassment

    • shame - the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
    • when employees need your help they are likely experiencing some form of shame

  • traps when trying to express empathy

    • compare our issues to theirs (my problem's worse)
    • try to be overly positive (look on the bright side)
    • leap to problem-solving while ignoring what they're feeling in the moment

  • expressing empathy need not prevent you from holding people to high standards

    • After you've acknowledged an employee's struggles and feelings, they're more likely to respond to your efforts to motivate improved performace

• reference

  • How Great Coaches Ask, Listen, and Empathize

Shame & Empathy

• connection

  • forge meaningful authentic relationships with other people
  • connection is what breathes lives and gives meaning to our lives

• Vulnerability

  • Open, willing to share not only our strengths with people, but our struggles that moves us towards empathy

• Empathy

  • Empathy is about being vulnerable with people in their vulnerability

• Shame

  • Shame is the feeling that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy

    • Shame is a belief that we are the problem

      • Shame breeds fear, blame, and disconnection

    • Fear arises as a protective resposne to that shame

      • We fear being seen, judged, or cast out because shame tells us we're not good enough

    • Fear of vulnerability

      • Shame makes openness feel dangerous. Vulnerability could lead to more shame, so we fear being emotionally honest.

      • Build empathy

        • Set boundaries
          • openness doesn't mean oversharing. You can be authentic while protecting your emotional space
        • Sharing with trusted people can dissolve shame
        • Remind yourself that imperfection is human

    • Fear of judgment

      • Shame convinces us we'll be criticized or humiliated, so we fear situations where we might be evaluated

    • Fear of failure

      • Shame links failure to personal inadequacy, making us afraid to try, risk, or grow

  • The awareness of human separation, without reunion by love - is the source of shame

    • It is at the same time the source of guilt and anxiety

  • How do I tell these stories which is the only way that we get out from underneath shame?

    • I can't let you see these pieces of me because I fear that it will cause disconnection

  • courage, compassion & connection

    • courage meant to speak your mind with your heart to tell your story
    • how do I stay open and sit in that with you as opposed to moving into blame if you share your story with me?

reference