!Record my Love

2020-05-24

lover

  • 身体吸引力

  • 灵魂 契合

    • 待在一起是否舒服
    • 能沟通到
    • 审美一致， 情调一致， 三观一致

  • 性格

    • 善良，愿意顾家和付出
    • 温暖大方
    • 有气质
    • 独立， 有自己的想法
    • 自信，专业

  • make her feel understood and listened to, not a man who takes her too seriously

2021-08-23

  • TOSELF

    • relax and be confident

    • refocus on making yourself more attractive rather than forcing a certain person to like you

      • develop yourself talents, interests, and good nature

    • respect her thoughts/feelings/interests

    • if she decides she doesn't want to date you, don't take it personally. Use it as a learning experience, and move on

    • smile and talking slowly

  • TODO

    • be a good friend

      • create space and respect her privacy

        • do not try to fix her problems
        • simply let her know you are there and are wiling to listen

      • be a good listener

        • do not jump in with your opinion
        • let them talk things out on their own

      • make plans as a group and include her

        • offer to pick her up or pay for her
        • simple acts of kindness

    • asking her out on a date in a group

      • usd the general conversation to develop a closer relationship based on common interests or shared goals
      • be patient
      • make it clear you just wanna hang out - don't talk about relationships or ask her to be your girlfriend
      • organize a picnic or go to a dinner and a movie with a couple friends
      • take the lead in deciding what you will do and where you will go on the date
        • do your homework - ask her if she has any food preferences, make reservations if necessary
        • focus on good topics such as the news, family, travel, or your thoughts on love and what makes a good relationship

    • being a better friend to both her and her friends

      • pay attention to what her and her friends say
      • give her your fill attention
      • make eye-contact when you talk
      • show you are kind, caring and committed

    • tease and joke one each other

      • give her a light shove or nudge on the back or arm
      • facial expressions or a smile

    • try to flirt with her

      • make eye contact, smiling, and then quickly looking away
      • compliment her or act like gentleman by holding doors, offering to buy her coffee, or carrying her books
      • if you are comfortable around each other, try brushing hair off her face, give her a hug, or sit next to her. If she is interested in you, she will start flirting back

    • consider giving her some space, if your relationship has stalled

      • hold back some of your feelings, maintain a sense of mystery
      • give her some space. Your absence may lead her to realize how much she actually cares for you
      • start talking to other girls

    • consider keeping things casual

      • if you two are afraid or nervous of commitment

2021-08-22

  • the relationship with Ivy is Over
    • too fast
    • you don't have the ability to deal with this kind of relationship
    • try to learn GOD

2021-08-21

  • asking the right questions - open-ended questions

    • be warm and open
    • what / why
    • "what do u like about your job?"

  • listening and relating

    • actively listen to her, and relate back to her responses
    • provide some feedback, like repeating back what she said

    • "Great."

    • help she see you as the "same" as her

      • focus on commonalities like interests and hobbies, avoid arguments

    • some emotional topics

      • her experiences

        • "what made you wanna come to the city"
        • "how do u feel when you did X"

      • her dreams

        • "what's something you wanna achieve this year?"
        • what does she really wanna do with her life?

      • what she loves to do

        • what kind of activities

  • have her open up and tell her very little

TODO

  • TODO

    • care her

      • make it very clear, make her feel that you cares
      • make her feel special because she is
      • bring her flowers, suggest a romantic evening out, spoil her on her birthday
      • fix her the favorite drink, give her a little gift, pay her compliments
      • ask her how she is, and listen to what she says, be interested

    • love her

      • you like her, and you enjoy her company
      • she makes you laugh or she listens when you're upset
      • she shares your interests
      • because she make you feel good about yourself
        • if she loves you for who you are, she won't try to change you, but will help you to feel stronger and more confident and secure as a person
        • to have greater self-esteem

    • TO YOU

      • don't lie, trust her

      • don't play games, being straight with her

        • let them know honestly how you feel, and what's important to you
        • sit them down, and explain that even though they don't feel ready, and why you'd like them to reconsider

      • listen to the warning voices in your head -> avoid setting up an unhealthy power balance in the first place

      • you need and deserve someone who loves you back for who you are, not for who you're pretending or trying to be -> feel bad but great for holding on to your pride

    • try to be closer

      • body closer or mind closer

    • I wanted a family

      • women want to feel wanted, not needed

    • rules

      • reward with emotional reactions and attention
      • fuel the love by being mysterious, spontaneous and not too available

  • Connect with her on a deeper level - get her talking

    • ask open-ended questions - emotional topics

      • her experiences

        • "where is your favorite place you've traveled?"
        • "how did it feel when you did X?"
        • "what was it like to do X?"

      • her dreams - really wanna do with her life

        • "what's something you've always wanted to do?"
        • "how would it feel to do that"

      • what she loves to do

        • "what kind of activities get you excited?"
        • "how do u feel when you do X"

      • her passions

        • "what makes you passionate about X"
        • "how do u feel when you're following the passion"

      • her motivations - why does she wana

        • "what made you do that?"
        • "now that you're doing X, how do u feel about it?"

      • "what do u like about it?"

      • "what was it like growing up there"
      • "do u have any dream?"

    • listening and relating

      • actively listen to her, and relate back to her responses
      • provide some sort of feedback, even if repeating back what she said
      • "awesome. tell me, what made you want to live there"

    • focus the conversation on her

      • the more she talks about herself, the more connected she'll feel to you

    • Bait her

      • intriguing statements

        • "I'm a bit of a chef, but during the day I analyze businesses "
        • "I love learning and improving. i feel like if you 're not feeling a little stupid some of the time, you're not really living"

      • the open loop

        • "spain is one of my favorite countries. what did u think about the culture?"

    • make some intriguing statements, tell a few pointed stories, and let the conversation flow

      • talking about yourself briefly, turn the conversation back over to her
      • "have you ever tried it?"
      • "where have you traveled to?"
      • "do you like ...? Maybe I'll take you to one some time"

  • Communicate with intent

    • talk slower, hold strong eye contact, smile

    • using subtlety, implication

      • "Really? it may sound crazy, but I love women who love lingerie."

    • exaggeration

      • "you're right. "
      • "I know"

    • positioning yourself as the prize

      • " we can go to my place for a drink, but only if you promise not to try anything"
      • " are you hitting on me right now? but I'm not that wasy"

    • make fun of yourself

      • like your difficulities with women

    • mock her

      • exaggerate her accent or mimic the particular word

    • sexy eye contact

      • look at her eyes, then down to her mouth, then back up to her eyes
      • move your eyes slowly
      • match her gaze
        • looking into her eyes about 90% of the time
        • only look away when she's looking away

    • closer

      • sit next to her on a date
      • talk in her ear, and bounce out
      • face her head on instead of at an angle

  • TOIMPROVE

    • listen more

      • 帮助对方说出心中的情绪和情绪的来由
      • 简单 复述 对方的内容
      • 澄清： 用问题去展开话题和探索
      • 总结： 反映对方谈话的几个重点
      • 自我披露： 分享你的想法，感受和类似经历
      • 帮助对方 识别落差，逃避心态和扭曲的想法

    • be her emotional support

      • encourage her to tell you the things she cares about and the things she is going through
        • "so how have you really been lately?"
        • she has done well and all the ways things are going to be okay.
      • women want empathy when expressing a problem
        • empathy - try to understand why it make sense for them
          even if it doesn't make sense for you

    • know the type of things that women value

      • finding commonalities with her that you're interested in
      • nice food

      • find out her 'love language' - quality time?

        • ask her what makes her feel loved
        • think about what she says makes she feel loved
        • consult it when you are trying to decide what to do for her

      • good emotions, good experiences, and happiness

    • appreciate her in the things she does, and compliment her

      • tell her the little things you find sexy or cute about her
        • "I think your sense of direction is sexy"
        • write a little note of thanks for her and put it in her bag
        • send a text message to tell her how much you appreciate what she did with a picture of you looking silly and happy

    • know her unconscious mind -> how she behaves in her life

    • her emotional state -> how she views the world and how she will behave

    • she has a deep need to feel important -> boost her ego

      • a woman values her ego and attention

    • confidence, and self-image of high worth

      • self-respect
      • having standards
      • will to walk away
      • be able to set clear boundaries
      • stand up for yourself
      • being assertive
      • having competence in skills valued in society

  • INFO

  • she is a christ + helpful, kind, cheerful

  • understand what a woman value
    + then give them specific value + become a valuable emotional commodity in her life

  • understand her emotions and ego

  • understand the situation, her intention, and perspective

2020-07-18

  • hiking with Ivy

    • yes, i like her, she is smart and sensitive

    • information

      • her living place, her job
      • seems that she feels a bit insecurity, <- be more warm and open
      • her body

    • issues

      • I should explain that I thought to put work before marry before, now I change my mind
      • I wanna a family
      • I am loyalty

    • TODO

      • Find her favorite topics, activities, ...
      • Find her core values
        • respect her thinking
        • honest
      • find out her cares and issues?

note with Ivy - a lawer, grown-up in HK, educated in UK

  • her ego, and character <- words reveal this

    • ascertain how she treats people who can't do anything back to her
    • how she treats her father

    • how many instant gratification behavior she engages in

      • like tattoos, alcohol, drugs, clothing -> adventurous

    • the places she often vists

    • kind, smart

  • the type of things she values <- be a giver of value

    • good emotions with you
      • the environment, the situation, key signals
    • good experiences
    • happiness

  • her belief system <- the reasons the motivated the actions

    • her unconscious mind, and her emotional state
    • christ?
    • families
    • loyalty
    • nice
    • a woman will behave according to the world how she feels like not painful reality

  • interests

    • families
    • chinese food
    • have a cat, like dogs
    • art

  • improve myself <- women are attached to personality and status

    • I am "Valuable Asset"; I am the great catch

    • self-image, how you view yourself

      • self-respect, having standards, willing to walk away
      • set clear boundaries
      • being assertive, having competence in skills valued in society

    • leading, and be dominant in interactions

  • communication

    • create an immediate feedback loop

      • read the woman, read the situation, and make moves that make sense in the context*
      • read her signals - body-languages, facial expressions, tones, and refine you strategy towards her
      • double down on behaviors or what's working

    • build connections with her, her emotions, and the way she feels

      • something she is passionate about
      • what she likes or dislikes about her job
      • a place she's traveled to - and how she felt about it
      • something she's excited about
      • what her aspirations are

    • who she is as a person

    • what she finds valuable

      • give her that specific form of value
      • understand the true meaning, her intention, and her perspective of the true meaning

    • what turns her on from the signals

      • whether she is or not sexually open
      • Don't take the role of savior, unless you're married to her and benefit in a long term relationship
      • it's not your responsibility to save her from herself

    • show her that you've got plenty of that in your life

      • identify the feeling that is valuable to her
      • identify specific words
      • specific body-language <- mirror and match
      • speak her language

  • skills

    • how you make her feel <- mirror <- she feels what you feel

      • cater to her emotion when interacting with and attracting her

        • women care more about the way you make them feel than your 'stats" and accomplishments

      • focus on appreciating her inner and outer beauty

        • what do u like about her?
        • is her rhythm sexy?
        • do her eyes captivate you?
        • does she make you laugh?
        • is her smile contagious?
        • this brings a smile to my face and leads me to make strong eye contact
        • if the man loves women, She can sense he has no ulterior motive, he enjoys the moment, understands her, and appreciates her beauty and she is more comfortable moving things further with this man

      • overflow positive emotions, joy, high energy

      • uplift her mood
      • express yourself freely and fully
      • take on intriguing hobbies, and develop an interesting identity

    • be a leader, start owning it (no sorry)

      • communicate boundaries clearly
      • being proactive, being aggressive in executing goals, folling the actions

    • keep advancing the interaction towards sex

      • social space -> close space
      • touching a woman in an intimate matter is the fastest way to test
      • touch her body, and physical close to her
      • handhold
      • kiss
      • sex

  • reference

    • Womanese 101 how to talk and flirt with women

Process

  • Mind

    • Focus on Having fun youself, what does it matter if she rejects me or not?

      • Doesn't care and focus on your feelings, you have fun yourself
      • Don't make things fun for the woman and fails

    • Wondering

      • wonder what FUN I can have with her
      • wonder what NEW THINGS I'll learn about women from her
      • wonder what happens if I try this strategy on her

    • Men are as free as a bird, Girls want to seize that bird and toss it in a cate (committment)

    • Do not apologize for his testosterone, for his desires

    • Try to always win in what he does

      • has deep convictions that allows him to be a possible leader

    • Never feels he has to prove himself to anyone

      • Let her prove herself to you
      • you will advance in your career, your social life, and even your dealings with women

    • use shyness as an advantage, Think of yourself as a prince

      • give her a general anaswer and turn the conversation back on her
      • take something she said that you agree with, paraphrase it in your own words, and feed it back to her

  • Casual dating

    • invite her for dinner or coffee, to get to know your girl

      • it's ok to be friends if no chemistry and awkwardness

    • hang out with your girl and have fun

      • start off with something small, like dinner or a drink when you can get to know her and see if she is worth your time

      • get you gind the girl that likes what you like

      • planning dates
        it's fun to plan out what YOU want to do, and girls like to go along for the adventure

  • a MAN

    • PASSION in life about something. the passion that transforms his life, gives hime confidence, and gives him joy.
      the PASSION will give you that right mindset for you have goals and dreams

    • Try to always win in what he does

      • has deep convictions that allows him to be a possible leader

    • Physical

      • good body
      • very focused, intelligent eyes
      • relaxed, but tidy wardrobe

    • Emotional

      • deterministic and level-headed
      • learn from the mistakes
      • humor, artistic

    • Social

      • offers the girls a chair, opens doors ...

沟通和表达

  • 积极, 正面的回应

    • 关系是每一天的小事的经历

      • 享受你来我往的过程， 比内容更重要
      • 互相努力

    • 不断的努力，给出好的回应

    • 言语或行动的邀请或回应

      • 从小事开始，接纳她

      • 因为爱对方，所以有这个 正面的回应，所以忍受

      • “你好吗”， “你怎么啦”， 或行动 “一杯水”

      • "我觉得我们开始的时候，我都好开心； 我都想我们再一起努力，好吗？“

      • “我今天有些累，不能听你的，改天我再听你的”

      • “我觉得我们现在都有情绪，我们先暂停把，改天再讨论”
      • “可以告诉我到底发生了什么吗？”
      • “我有些生气，因为你 ..."
      • “我们可以一起努力吗？ ”

  • 尊重和确认的力量 - 对伴侣观点的关心和尊重

    • 行为描述

      • 在精确表述上表现很糟糕, 如果抱怨某事,同时谈及几个问题

      • 彼此倾听方面表现糟糕, 很少耐心自习思索伴侣所说的话

      • 尽可能清楚明白, 详细具体地指出惹恼我们的特定行为, 应该专指某一特定事件, 不涉及普遍性

        • 用第一人称明确说明自己的感受 “当你在x情景下做x的时候,我感到”
      • 复述和向对方检验自己的知觉, 积极主动地努力理解自己的伴侣

  • 先付出第一步(而不是全身心付出)

    • 越付出, 对方会看到, 在更信任的情况下, 对方也会更付出
    • 互动, 互相付出, 经历到爱

  • self

    • 多一些反问：“在这段关系中，你寻求的是什么，这个人是否给了你需要的。”
    • let you feel like a better version of yourself, if you feel bad about yourself, it is not a good relationship

  • 相处的模式

    • 让她感受到 真诚与自在, 互相之间会给对方很多空间

      • 自信, 轻松, 舒服, 积极, 阳光

    • 当平等的人互相吸引, 欣赏, 尊重和理解

    • What women expect of men

      • listen

        • mose mean are using words, not feelings, you should express feelings

        • the baby doesn't know what you are saying, the baby only cares about your tone of voice

        • 听内容，情绪，体会她的感受

          • 让对方感受被聆听和被明白
          • 帮助对方去接纳自己

        • 观察她的非口语的反应， 以及她非口语背后的意义，不着急给分析，或建议

          • “听你讲..., 感觉你很 ... ”
          • 问问题的目标是 促进探索

      • give advice only when asked

      • offer help in any kind of physical tasks
      • do the little things - flowers, chocolates, romance
      • make their life easier in subtle ways. Help them without announcing it to the world

    • 自信诚实的做自己, 鼓励对方真实地表达自我, 在意对方的感受

      • “你开心吗?”
      • “你需要什么我可以做的吗?”
      • “你需要我的帮助吗?”
      • “你想要听听我的意见吗?”
      • emotional connection, it's a willingness from both sides to support each other emotionally and to understand

    • 中国男 缺乏界限感, 礼貌和同理心, 显得鲁莽, 自大又自我中心

      • 美国男 紧张 自己会不会太鲁莽, 给对方不好的体验, 而不是紧张对方怎么看自己

    • a strong woman is a loyal hitter that's ride or die

    • 兩公婆最緊要坦白同溝通，大家咩都拎出來講，所以我同老公每日都會傾計

      • 制造蛋糕，约会

    • 现实问题, 她有疑虑, 给她回馈

      • 对这个感情 的 坚定, 信心和自信
      • 自己要承担责任
      • 而不是仅仅说开心就好

record the love with Ivy

  • 觉察自己内心的活动, 为什么害怕, 消沉或迷惑不解, 而不是用各种方法为自己辩护

    • 我害怕自己配不上她

    • 我应该这次问问她, 看上我的什么方面 ?

    • 2020-06-03 我发现我思念她, 应该对她讲了

      • 什么事情都做不进去

  • 勇气

    • 爱一个人就要表现出自己,而不期待回报, 但相信自己的爱一定会唤起对方的爱
    • 我们相信自己,他人和人类不断发展的可能性,我们对自己的觉悟和成熟体验越深,我们的信仰程度就越高
    • 对所爱之人就抱有积极的态度

  • 集中

    • 集中地听别人讲话的能力
    • 完全地现时现地生活,而不是干这事想那事
    • 学会亲近对方并向对方开放, 而不是互相回避

  • 一个合适的人回让你看到和得到全世界

    • 从关怀的角度去了解对方
    • 关心 -> 关心对方的精神要求

2020-07-08

  • enough confidences with Ivy?

  • be afraid to lose myself

    • just be true of yourself, she love the person you are, not the achievements

  • just be everything you truly are

  • She will love you for the person you are if you can do the same for her

    • all she wants is for both of you to be equals in the relationship

  • skills

  • experience her emotions

    • listen to her
    • always respect her opinion
    • do nice things for her
    • compliment her +

  • express self

    • 主人翁精神

    • be honest

    • tell her the truth
    • if you fall in love with her, just say it

    • tackle any problems or worries you face together, don't bottle things up

    • "你今天怎么样" +

    • be a gentleman

  • relax

  • courages

  • love through your behavior -

  • love through romantic gestures

  • express your love in public

  • needn't care the others

  • others will help and encourage you, they are happier with you

  • value

  • kindness, honesty, empathy
  • like directness, openness
  • enjoy positive vibes

how

  • “我说清楚了吗？你怎么想？”

    • 如果不一致就想办法协调而不会甩锅给“你不懂我和你故意的”

  • 特别客气，对感谢有极高程度的痴迷，小到移步错身，或者陪他去医院，都会非常感谢，做每顿饭后都会说非常感谢好吃极了，每件事 每顿饭都是赞美感谢

    • 一天晚上特别跑回来抱住我说，有些事情最多了就变成了平常普通事，你做饭我从来都没觉得是一件普通的事，
    • 感谢你给我做的每顿饭，谢谢你给我了温暖的家

  • 情绪稳定，可以把情绪和事情分开，有时候我情绪不好对他说了算是很重的话

    • 他会静静听我嚷嚷完, 说下自己的感受然后说我知道你现在情绪不好，你说的话不是你真的意思，等你冷静我们在说
    • 在一起六年多，没有大声说话，更没有吼过或者发火，跟以前我原生家庭简直大不同

  • 家庭成员相互爱但界限分明

    • 付钱的人心甘情愿并不是绑架别人要达到什么目的。
    • 圣诞节跟老公有了些争执，婆婆就默默退出去，让我们自己聊，还说圣诞节是吵架的好时节。

  • 只要我说的，他都照做，任何事情都比我情绪小

    • 不喜欢泡脚，不喜欢穿睡衣，不喜欢穿拖鞋

  • 兩人之所以能走在一起，是彼此令對方相信自己，是最美、最有自信的

  • 两个人在一起久了，最终还是两个脑子和心灵的交流

    • 他一直说是能聊得来，思想意识在类似的水平上。然后很羞涩地说，and you are hot as well, that’s a bonus

    • 喜欢对方的外形，更看重对方的精神世界

  • 了解你伴侣的喜恶和沟通方式

  • “你有事情会希望我要去调整的吗？”

  • 制造机会 - 牵手, 拥抱

  • 良好情绪+肢体接触=关系升高

    - 让她笑

    • 了解对方的期望

    • 触碰 -> 牵手 -> 拥抱 -> 亲吻 -> 爱抚 -> 推到

    • 去睇恐怖片和玩過山車

    • "可能有时候我真是不太表达自己，但我你都feel到我对你体贴，我会同你一起努力，可不可以做我女朋友？" 指追女仔時，心意非常重要

    • 睇日落

    • 投其所好，让她开心让她笑

    • 送返家里，出其不意拥抱

    • 当都很开心的时候, 适当升级, 让你们的关系上一个台阶 默许升级,可以考虑下一步升高肢体接触; 如果明显拒绝抵抗, 暂时不要轻举妄动

    • 升级时行为要显得自然随性, 比如人流中牵手, 上台阶牵手; 转头间接吻

    • 礼物
    • 围巾

    • 表

    • “我想以后和你在一起”

    • 照相片墙

  • 对亲近的人，(家人，爱人，喜欢的人)

    • 永远要态度最好，
    • 温暖，有爱，容忍， 把最好的一面留给他们。

  • 多赞美

    • “今日我真是好开心啊”

    • “我有事想同你讲” “我钟意你”

    • "我钟意你， 我得可不可以一起"

    • ”有件事，想同你讲“

    • “我钟意你”

    • “笑，笑得好好看”

    • “好特别”
    • "怎么了"
    • “没事了”
    • "腼腆真诚的笑"
    • “我見到你特別好， 見到你笑我就會笑“
    • "其實我還是挺掛住你**

    • “今日好开心”

    • ”你对XX觉得怎么样”

    • “你有特别想去的地方吗？”

    • 香水礼物 - 介绍礼物

    • “有什么细节让你印象深刻”

    • “请你喝酸奶，要不咱们走走”

    • “你们玩的开心”

    • “像我这种特质， 有救吗？”

    - “有让你开心吗？”

    • “我希望是你”

    • 我完全理解，不用什么抱歉

    • “不好意思，有点紧张”

    • 我喜欢真实的人

    • 我还有个事想谢你

    • 很漂亮

    • 超好看

    • “你侧脸很好看”

    • 海洋馆

    • 摸头

    • 那我也...

    • 帮你檫脖子

    • 经历这个事情的时候你在讲这个东西, 是在分享这件事情本身的美妙

    • “ 心理上的狼狈的经历是什么”

    • "我们还是朋友吧"

    • 知不知道我好担心你; 其实你是不是想避开我; 可不可话我知“我做错什么了”

    • too.

the art of love

  • 所有幸福的夫妇都像好朋友一样生活。 在把你的伴侣当成配偶之前，先把对方当成最好的朋友; 这样，积极的看法就会压倒消极的看法。

  • 對婚姻的認識，凱勒牧師（Rev Tim Keller）建議：

  • 在交友戀愛的時候，不要以物質條件為優先， 而是「首先要尋求友誼，要找一個比你更了解你的人，一個能使你變得更美好的人，然後再看這種友誼能否發展成為愛情和婚姻」

  • Construction of meaning 兩人面对困难和挑戰时，一起创造一个新的意義。兩人成为最好的 partner 一起面对人生大大小小的问題和困难。多棒呀！

  • 爱情是指克服人的孤寂和实现人与人的结合

  • 成熟的愛情

  • 保留自己完整性和独立性的条件下, 与他人结合

  • 他应该把内心有生命力的东西给予别人 - connection -

  • 他应该同别人分享他的欢乐, 兴趣, 理解力, 知识, 幽默, 悲伤
  • 通过给, 他提高自己生命感的同时, 也提高了对方的生命感
  • 而双方都会因为唤醒了内心的某种生命力而充满快乐
  • 如果你在爱别人, 但却没有唤起他人的爱, 也就是不能把自己变成一个被人爱的人, 是一种不幸

  • 给的人不应该把对方看作是他帮助的对象, 而应该同对方建立一种真正的, 创造性的紧密关系

  • 情的积极性除了有给的要素

  • 关心

    • 对生命以及我们所爱之物成长的积极的关心
    • 为所爱之物而劳动

  • 责任心

    • 关心对方的精神要求

  • 尊重

    • 被我爱的人应该以他自己的方式和为了自己去成长,发展, 而不是服务于我
    • 如果我爱他, 应该感到和他一致,而且接受他本来的面目,而不是要求他成为我希望的样子
    • 只有当我自己达到独立,在没有外援的情况下独立地走自己的路, 既不想去控制和利用对方,尊重才有可能

  • 了解对方

    • 从关怀的角度去了解对方
    • 只有用他人的眼光看待他人, 才能了解对方
    • 体验同人的结合

  • 自爱

    • 真正的爱是内在创造了的表现, 包括关怀,尊重, 责任心和了解
    • 积极追求被爱人的发展和幸福

  • 爱的实践

  • 集中

    • 集中地听别人讲话的能力
    • 完全地现时现地生活,而不是干这事想那事
    • 学会亲近对方并向对方开放, 而不是互相回避
    • 对自己保持清醒
    • 觉察内心的活动,为什么害怕,消沉或迷惑不解, 而不是用各种方法为自己辩护

  • 克服自恋

    • 这种人体验到的现实只是内心世界的象征, 只有对他们有利或威胁的事物才有意义
    • 克服自恋, 就是建立客观性, 对人和事物抱有开放的态度,能实事求是地看待事物
    • 因该努力去认识一个被我的自恋歪曲了的人的形象同这个人的实际面目 , +

  • 合理的信仰

    • 合理的信仰扎根于自己思想或感情体验的一种坚定的信念
    • 合理的信仰不是信仰什么东西,而是一种确认, 这种确认是符合建筑在自己真实经历上的坚定的信念
    • 信仰是全部人格的一个性格特点,而不是同某些被看作为对的思想内容有关的东西
    • 合理的信念是以自己的经历,对自己的思想,观察和判断力的坚信不疑为基础的, 合理的信仰是产生一种独立的信念,相信自己创造性的观察和思考
    • 相信一个人意味着了解这个人基本态度的可靠性和稳定性,了解这个人的核心, 也就是基本动机

  • 勇气

    • 爱一个人就要表现出自己,而不期待回报, 但相信自己的爱一定会唤起对方的爱
    • 我们相信自己,他人和人类不断发展的可能性,我们对自己的觉悟和成熟体验越深,我们的信仰程度就越高
    • 对所爱之人就抱有积极的态度

  • 人应该对所有与自己有所接触的人都能保持客观和理智

love - 一个合适的人回让你看到和得到全世界

  • 吸引力

    • 有合二为一的冲动 -> soulmate
    • 让人舒服平和
    • 对自己好

  • 性格

    • 开朗大方
    • 独立 + 善解人意(体谅)
    • 迷人 - 有气质 - 有魅力
    • 聪明 - 只有聪明人才会欣赏聪明人
    • 可塑性 - open-minded

  • 价值观 - 家教：真善美 - 10%

    • 人生观 - 5%
    • 一个追求成功，一个追求有趣？
    • 最佳是两个都重视宽容与多元

    • 体谅

    • 消费观 - 钱怎么用才算值 - 5%

    • 量力而行/不攀比

    • 何谓成功何谓幸福

    • 职业观 - 敬业/认真 - 5%

  • 加分项

    • 大方 - 30%
    • 机智有趣棋逢对手
    • 有文化/见识 - 10%
    • 开朗活波
    • 有活力 - 5%
    • 善良 - 5%
    • 女人味 - 5%

  • 减分项

    • 胡搅蛮缠，任性, 刻薄 - -50%
    • 不成熟 - 30%

    • 喜欢攀比 - -40%

    • 自卑+自大 -40%

love -> 亲密关系中真正能让彼此幸福的特质，以及相处的品质

  • 从直觉开始

    • 动物性 - 身体吸引力 - “感觉” -> 气质, 身高/胖瘦匹配 - 50%

    • 自己在乎的要素 - 30%

      • 通情达理/聪慧 - 10%
      • 有回应/付出 - 10%
      • 诚实 - 5%
      • 女人味 - 5%
      • 大度/不攀比 - 10%

    • 价值观 - 家教：真善美 - 10%

      • 人生观 - 5%
      • 一个追求成功，一个追求有趣？
      • 最佳是两个都重视宽容与多元

      • 体谅

      • 消费观 - 钱怎么用才算值 - 5%

      • 量力而行/不攀比

      • 何谓成功何谓幸福

      • 职业观 - 敬业/认真 - 5%

    • 加分项 - 10%

      • 有活力 - 5%
      • 机智有趣棋逢对手 - 5%
      • 独立 - 5%
      • 善良 - 5%
      • 宽容 - 5%
      • 开朗活波 - 5%
      • 不自卑 - 5%

    • 减分项 - -50%

      • 胡搅蛮缠，任性 - -50%
      • 喜欢攀比 - -40%
      • 不成熟 - 30%
      • 自卑+自大

婚姻

  • 先让自己变得成熟一点， 弄清楚我是谁，我适合什么样的配偶
  • 爱的一致 - 恋爱的时候双方爱的程度差不多，对感情的未来走向有着比较一致的预期
  • 花时间一起并且能够坦诚地聊他们感情的情侣，对自己的感情，对未来的发展形成比较一致的判断和体验
  • 花时间和伴侣交流，诉说自己比较个人化的需求
  • 有牢固友谊的人 - 能够和那些与我们能够互相帮助，沟通，理解的人建立密切的朋友关系 *
  • 一段好的感情，會讓你為了給對方更多的愛，努力讓自己成為更好的人
  • love is passion, obsession
  • 找到一个让你疯狂着迷的人他也同样爱你
  • 生活丰富多彩

个人测评

  • 爱情的调和者

    • 和你相处会让人觉得温暖而愉快
    • 体贴和温柔 -> 同理心，照顾别人感受，容易与他人建立更紧密的关系

  • 爱情探险家 -> 热爱自由，敢于做一些冒险的事情 -> 新鲜感

    • 生活中颇具冒险精神
    • 乐观又富有创造力
    • 喜欢冒险与探索，在爱情中敢爱敢恨

Ms. Right

  • 清楚 另一半是否是你的未来

    • “你已经在我的规划里面了”

  • “女强人” 独立而有独特个性，充满挑战欲望的爱情主导者

    • 当她在外部世界未知的探索和战斗中受到伤害时，你的柔情和理解能够给她巨大的安慰

    • 心胸宽广而包容 -> 感情甜蜜的来源； 在产生冲突时，也能化险为夷

    • 愿意分享更多新鲜好玩的事，共同去一些地方， 做一些事来充实你们的爱情

    • 让爱情有生命力，是鲜活的

  • 提高

    • 展现自信
    • 多展现自己的能力
    • 当你条理清晰，准备地表达你的观点时，她可能会喜欢和你辩论，但内心却对你产生欣赏和敬佩

    • 一个能在能力上与之匹配的人更值得相伴一生

    • 真实地表达自己的情绪和感受

    • 过于照顾对方的感受而忽略自己的感受
    • 直接告诉她你的真实想法和感受，更利于对方了解，给你情感上的回应

  • self

    • 对 有文化的人 很有好感

    • 温和的居家派，同时又有一个有趣的灵魂

    • 和你相处会让人觉得温暖而愉快

    • 自己比较钟意 “有自己主见和内涵”的爱情主导者

    • 独立 -> 谈吐清晰，主见，睿智，控制，决断力，逻辑控

    • 建筑师

    • 计划导向，传统，谦逊，务实，简约

    • 很容易被同样温柔的居家型爱情调和者吸引

    • 关系导向，想象力，忠诚，思维细腻，居家型

    • 探险家

    • 行动派， 有活力，自由，活在当下， 好奇感

from friend to lover

  • 友情基础

    • 从友谊开始便开始时便问一下，与对方是否“合适”，从而进一步发展
    • 舒服

  • 追求是否一致

    • 价值观，希望，梦想，预期是否一致

  • 花时间与对方聊下你的一天或者更深的问题

  • 同情心是恋人关系的关键

    • 是否倾向看到对方好的一面，并在需要时体谅对方

  • 是否可以同渡难关

    • 遇到压力时候， 是否行动一致
    • 对婚姻和感情的期望 -> 明白感情不会一帆风顺，同时对感情用心经营

  • 为爱情保鲜

    • 向对方作出体贴，表达欣赏

  • 家人，亲友是否支持

love -> 亲密关系中真正能让彼此幸福的特质，以及相处的品质

  • 从直觉开始

    • 动物性 - 身体吸引力 - “感觉” -> 气质, 身高/胖瘦匹配 - 50%

    • 三观 - 觉得什么重要、什么不重要，是一致的 - 20%

      • 人生观 - 10%
      • 一个追求成功，一个追求有趣？
      • 最佳是两个都重视宽容与多元

      • 体谅

      • 消费观 - 钱怎么用才算值 - 5%

      • 量力而行/不攀比

      • 何谓成功何谓幸福

      • 职业观 - 敬业/认真 - 5%

        • 自己在乎的要素 - 20%

      • 有文化/见识 - 10%

      • 独立 - 10%
      • 有付出 - 10%
      • 通情达理/聪慧 - 10%
      • 善良 - 5%
      • 大方 - 5%

      • 沉静 - 5%

        • 加分项 - 10%

      • 女人味 - 5%

      • 有活力 - 5%
      • 机智有趣棋逢对手 - 5%
      • 宽容 - 5%
      • 开朗活波 - 5%
      • 不自卑 - 5%
      • 诚实 - 5%

    • 减分项 - -50%

      • 胡搅蛮缠，任性, 刻薄 - -50%
      • 不成熟 - 30%
      • 自大 -40%

  • 80% 就行动

方法 - 以别人想要的方式追她对她好

  • 沟通

    - 交往过程中,如果觉得有问题,双方应及时沟通和交流, 让彼此意识到,并直面问题存在,而后,做积极解决问题的尝试

  • 就是因为你没试过，我才可以制造这么多和你第一次的回忆 *

  • 默默的问你， 你想要干嘛；
  • 不仅仅是强，还有脆弱的一面 - 担心和忐忑不安不安的时候

* + 一段好的关系，是要克制自己的意愿，然后尽量接近和了解对方，给对方想要的爱

  • 先起名字
  • 愿意把自己的心愿说出来
    • 不愿意低姿态 *
  • 觉得对方也喜欢你 - “我对你有好感”
  • 找表现机会 *
  • “让她记住我”
  • “嗯，可以吗？” *
  • 动物园 *

  • 想知道对方是否在乎自己？ - 想看到态度

    • "看我受到迷惑，是否在意，别生我气"

  • 心里不爽 - 说明有些在乎对方

  • 做家常的事情 - 买菜，杀价

    • 男士在家煮菜给女生吃

* + 时刻了解对方的真实想法，看自己是否达到 - 希望得到反馈 - 除了玩， 需要知道对方是否对我有意思， 或者是有任何感觉什么的 - “你觉得有否改变吗？” - 做完了，“看自己是否达到”

  • 恐高

    • 可以讓對方可靠自己，在她身边，完成这个困难
    • “为我紧张”

  • 给彼此一个空间

  • "这感觉觉得怎么样"
  • 表达我对她的想法 *

亲密关系

  • 吸引力的基础 - 他人的出现对于我们有奖赏意义

    • 临近 -> 容易被身边的人吸引，但如果接触令人失望，还不如保持距离
    • 长相吸引力 （认为美的就是好的）-> 相似的长相吸引力
    • 接纳自己的程度 -> 喜欢那些喜欢我们的人
    • 相似性 - 想像的伴侶可能比任何人都更能滿足我們的需求
    • 答案几乎包括任何方面 - 人们总会与旗鼓相当的人配成一对 - 公平交易
    • 互补性 - 支配与顺从 -> 如果自信，会希望听从自己的忠告， 如果需要帮助和建议，会希望能够给予
    • 感到最多爱意和最少冲突的伴侣是那些在热情上相似而支配上不同的伴侣

    • 我们喜欢能使我们快乐，支持我们的伴侣，但我们讨厌让我们感到沮丧，阻碍我们的伴侣

    • 经济宽裕； 友善忠诚； 长相

  • 关系信念 - 幸福的关系是努力和付出的回报

    • 如果伴侣一起努力战胜挑战，克服困难，良性的亲密关系就能逐渐建立起来
    • 引导伴侣成为我们所希望的人

  • 沟通 - 最关键的是明确表示我们对伴侣观点的关心和尊重

    • 非言語溝通 - 女性的非言語溝通能力一般好與男性
    • 言語溝通
    • 自我表露 - 刚开始要保持耐心 - 男性常常依赖于从女性那里得到温情和亲密

    • 伴侣要能够充分地表达出对自己的爱意，尊重和呵护

    • 精确表述 - 明确说明自己的感受，而且把谈话重点集中在可处理的，单独的行为上

      • “当你在y情境下做x的时候，我感到z” - “你刚刚打断我讲话，我感到很生气”
    • 表达同情和关心 - “我很抱歉”
    • 积极倾听 - 复述和检验自己对对方的理解， 积极主动地努力理解自己的伴侣，这种关心和体贴能得倒伴侣极大的赏识
    • 守礼而镇定 - 或许定期会谈，双方表达各自的不满 - 不要侮辱和讥讽

  • 相互依赖

    • 我们的期望
    • 假设没有现在的伴侣，我们会过的怎样
    • 亲密关系 - 度过动荡期
    • 安全型的人在共有情形下舒适自在，只有伴侣需要，他们就会提供关心和支持，乐于接纳伴侣对自己的依赖
    • 我们越是能接纳伴侣一时的贫弱无助，我们越不会倾向于贫弱

  • 友谊

    • 尊敬，表示钦佩和重视他们 - 有值得尊敬的特质
    • 信任 - 有人留意我们的愿望，无私，可靠地对待我们， 信任就能建立起来
    • 应答性 - 让他们感受到受人重视和为人欣赏
      • 保持微笑，记住别人名字
      • 耐心倾听，鼓励别人谈论自己
      • 讨论别人感兴趣的话题
      • 让别人感到自己重要
      • 关注，表现出热情和支持，让我们感受到理解和关照
    • 资本化 -为我们的成功感到欣喜
    • 在亲密的友谊中，我们能把自己看成团队的一部分，这样朋友的成功就是我们的成就
      • 男性友谊缺乏亲密

  • 爱情

    • 亲密 - 热情，理解，沟通，支持和分享
    • 激情 - 性
    • 忠诚

  • 性爱

  • 压力与紧张 - 当我们知觉来自他人的关系评价低于我们的期望

  • 冲突

  • 亲密关系的维持和修复

    • 欣赏你的伴侣 - 注意伴侣为你付出的关爱，仁慈，和慷慨
    • 表达你的感激 - 每周分享你最欣赏的三个友善之举

    • 重复上述两步 +

    • 玩乐 - 伴侣能一起玩乐就能更长久地在一起

    • 伴侣一起参与新异的，有挑战性的，比如徒步旅行，骑车，跳舞或音乐会，演讲和演出的人
    • 保持满足
    • 积极性 - 尝试使亲密交往令人愉快； 鼓励对方向自己表露想法和情感，寻求讨论亲密关系的机会
    • 保证 - 强调我对她的忠诚； 暗示亲密关系有美好的未来
    • 分担任务 - 公平地分担需要完成的任务； 在必须完成的任务重分担属于自己的部分
    • 定期向伴侣表达爱意和尊重

拍拖

  • 如果找到自己喜欢的东西，就要去争取，其实一眨眼就半辈子了

  • 下次勇敢点， 不试怎么知道行不行

  • 要证明你中意一个人，其实有很多方法，其中一种系当你看到她的时候，你会从心里笑出来，你自己未必会知道，但是其他人一定看得出来。

  • 你有没有试过喜欢一个不喜欢你的人，不会和你在一起，令你不开心的人？ 如果你有试过的人，那你就会知道，你喜欢一个怎么样的人，根本没得选择

  • 遇上喜欢的人，来不及忐忑，身体已经会有反应，当你很想得到，自然会采取主动，有一种原始的快乐，来自情不自禁

  • 当你不开心的时候，陪你的人

  • 爱情之后是生活

  • 做一个好人总比坐一个坏人难，坏人只需要想自己，而好人则要为其他人着想

  • 你要做你自己

  • 要离开一段感情就要下定决心，不再回头看

  • 你喜欢就和他在一起了， 为何不尝试开始

  • 因为爱自己的人，永远都是最幸福

  • 我们只会爱上一种人

  • 对话

    • ”有没有不开心“
    • “让她记住我” - 第一次， 让对方印象深刻
    • "默默的问你， 你想要干嘛"
    • “有事想问我嘛？”
    • “就算见不到你，我一样很想念你”
    • “一聽到你的電話就精神了”
    • "有一件事我想和你谈谈"
    • “那我们现在算是什么关系”
    • "不想让你那么辛苦，如果你想帮手，我都尽量想满足你"
    • "我都想你们好"
    • "昨晚打给你电话，没打扰到你吧"
    • "你以后可以叫我来陪你"
    • “但我一见到你，就想见到你笑，好想见到你笑多点”
    • “就像现在这样，有什么不开心都消失了”
    • “我还有个愿望，我想同你订婚”
    • "这么棒，那真的值得庆祝"
    • “我想你给个机会给我，我是认真的”
    • “你喜欢我什么了” - “不要紧的”
    • “你平时的时间都做什么”

  • 活动

    • 溜冰, 打羽毛球， 行山， 酒吧， meetup
    • 踩单车， 公园 ， 做游戏， 照相

女生

  • 用心
  • 让女生感到舒服，开心 *
  • 挺细心，挺会照顾人的
    • 恰如其分 - 没标榜自己，也没要逼迫你 *
  • 有默契
  • 照顾女生情绪
  • 让女生放松, 不要让对方有压力
  • 要细心，自然
  • 不那么用力，反而更能够展现自己，对方更能够了解你 *

  • 让女生觉得你在乎她

    • 拉近和对方的距离
    • 看对方是不是在乎自己
    • 在意你说的话

  • 要知道对方比较在乎的点或者特质是什么

  • 没有人对你做过
  • 希望给对方一个什么 感觉 *
  • 有麻烦要身边最亲近的人帮忙，而不是朋友 *
  • 回去反思了，认真的想这件事

~~Lai Jingli ~~

  • 有爱的感觉， 但是自己做的不够

  • 太紧张

    • 交流太少

  • 她没有太多的勇气

~~LIU Jingjing ~~

  • 没找到 自己的足够爱 *

~~ZHOU Jingying ~~

  • 同道中人
  • 不够漂亮
    • 没有爱的感觉
    • 朋友

~~Helen~~

  • 感受到被喜欢和重视
  • 自己找不到 爱的感觉

~~Alice~~

  • 眼神里面给我的很强烈的诚意
  • 这个也让我认识到 阶层的重要性， 自己可能不适合上层阶层， 但会受到 英美归国人员的 喜欢

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