Notes on "the love relationships" skills

notes

• a soul-to-soul relationship is worth the wait

  • your soulmate will recognize you, befriend you, love you, support you, heal with you and evolve with you

  • standard

    • will this woman be a credit to my life ? will she inspire me and bring me confirt?

    • is she more likely to nag me, make demands on me, cause me drama, attention seek and drain my energy?

  • 你和谁在一起最轻松自然，无拘无束，谁就最爱你

• 有问题一定要沟通，遇到问题千万别逃避不谈

  • 坦诚

  • 对方说出问题所在不要打断对方发言，耐心听取对方的感受； 沟通当中使对方明白自己，同时对对方的回馈重视他的发言，从而化解误解

  • 积极沟通，以了解对方的想法

    • 试着 理解或了解她多一点
    • 了解她对我的看法，了解这个人

  • 共同追求相同生活目标

    • 使二人生活模式更加和谐 ，比如生育观，是否移民
    • 培养共同兴趣，或互相欣赏对方的爱好
      • 比如一起到工作坊体验，一起行山等等

  • 经常向对方表示感激

    • 有助于促进彼此关系

  • 互相尊重

  • 当面去问清楚怎么回事

    • 不要自己瞎猜

• more attractive to women when you show them

  • listen to her, add in your thoughts, and understand her

    • look her in the eyes, don't interrupt her

      • let her see that you really care about what she has to say
      • don't give her advice unless she asks for it
      • remember what she says and follow up about it

    • when a trait or feeling comes up, that you agree with, tell her

    • do things that make her feel enriched

      • 试着了解对方的感受
        • 将心比心
      • gentle
        • 先考虑对方感受
        • 公共意识强， 不影响别人
        • 温柔： “我到底错在哪，你能否告诉我”

    • 同理心会话

      • 以真实的渴望，了解她的思想，感觉和愿望
        • 听感觉问自己 ”她正体验什么样的情绪“
        • ”听起来你觉得失望， 因为我 ...“
        • ”你是不是需要 ...“
      • 让她知道 我能了解那种伤痛，压迫，压力
      • 学习表白自己 - 告诉对方自己的思想和感觉
      • 一起面对你们的问题和担扰，不要过于克制和隐藏， 这样她才知道你信任她，你们两个会更亲近

    • support her

    • inspire her (make her want to do something and can do it)

  • show her how much you care

    • getting her a meaningful gift
    • write her love letters to surprise her when she's having a bad day
    • tell her you love her, give her meaningful compliments, plan romantic dates

  • Be open

    • willing to open up to her

      • what's on your mind, what your fears are, what your childhood was like, drama you've having with your friends

    • like telling her what you did or talking about your concerns about ...

    • make an effort to be the best person you can be

      • Don't try to be perfect

  • Be dependable

    • support her when she's upset
    • let her see that she can depend on you to be there when she needs you
    • let she feels like you're avilable and wanting to help

  • make an effort to win over her friends and family

    • be kind to her friends, show an interest in them, and let them see how much you like your girl
    • treat her family with respect and care, and take the time to really get to know them and to open up about yourself

  • competent

    • able to do something well

  • assertive

    • behave confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe
    • never apologize to anyone for being who you are
    • once you've accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you

  • Good vibe - the positive feelings given off by a person, place, or situation

    • curiosity about her
    • a bit cheeky and slightly irreverent when you're talking to her
    • just have fun
    • simple, polite, generous
    • random acts of kindness
    • respect

  • him

    • trust him
    • relax him
    • respect him
    • enlighten him (explain or understand)

  • in control of your life

• show your woman in adequate love and appreciation

  • listen to her

    • 了解她的思想，感覺和願望
    • 问自己 “她正体验什么样的情绪”
      • “听起来你觉得失望 ...”

  • value her opinions

  • make her feel secure
  • prioritize her
  • value her consent

• Her emotions are her logic

  • 用心去聆听对方
  • women want attention; men want respect

• make her feel understood and listened to, not a man who takes her too seriously

  • to mind fuck her, you have to understand her mind.
  • A woman's communication is the window into seeing how her mind operates
  • so being able to decipher the truth behind her words is essential

• be a good listener

  • do not jump in with your opinion
  • let them talk things out on their own

• being a better friend to both her and her friends

  • pay attention to what her and her friends say
  • give her your fill attention
  • make eye-contact when you talk
  • show you are kind, caring and committed

• try to flirt with her

  • create space and respect her privacy
  • do not try to fix her problems
  • simply let her know you are there and are wiling to listen

• SELF

  • talk slowly and deeply

  • 信心 + caring

    • 帮挪椅子

  • smile and talking slowly

  • relax and be confident

  • refocus on making yourself more attractive rather than forcing a certain person to like you

    • develop yourself talents, interests, and good nature

  • respect her thoughts/feelings/interests

  • confident, competent, humor

  • nice talk & long walk

Couples relationships

• Healthy Romantic Relationships

  • insight

    • awareness, understanding, learning

    • have a better idea of who you are, what you need, what you want, why you do the things you do

    • "well, you know what the next time. I'll just going to take things a little more slowly and not repeat the same mistake."

  • mutuality

    • knowing that both sets of needs matter
    • "you know, I'd really like to take this job, it's really important to me, but I also am concerned about us spending time together. If I promise to protect some time for us, will you be OK with me taking this job?"

  • emotion regulation

    • regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in your relationship

    • can maintain a sense of self-respect and commitment to your needs

    • "you know what, I can handle this. This is going to be all right. There is a way to deal with this. I'm going to figure this out."

• TODO

• reference

  • Couples Counselling

Truely to Understand

limerence is a kind of merging, a "oneness"

• exercise

  • look into their eyes just long enough, give them a kiss on the lips

  • make a full and frank disclosure

    • look for event/news that can be stored up, and shared in the evening with your partner
    • look for the details that bring a story to life
    • see out events, opinions and characters that play to your partner's particular interests

  • audit everything that happened yesterday you and your parnter

    • check the list, and ask any items can be changed today to feed your loving attachment
    • add in an act of kindness tomorrow

• similarities and difference

  • enough similarities with our partner to make a connection 60%
    • culturally, socially or emotionally
  • enough difference to stop the relationship stagnating

limerence - the crazy, obsessive feelings, the intense joy

• common descriptions
  • eyes meet
  • daydreaming your beloved
  • an aching in the heart when an outcome is uncertain
  • Only interested in her
  • emphasise on what's admirable in the beloved and avoid dwelling on the negative
  • the feeling is supreme delight, what makes life worth living

loving attachment - mix of love and life and its practical demands together

• Listening

  • full attention, nodding and asking questions so she is truly being heard

• sharing

  • feeling, snippets from day or chores

• doing a job for your partner that she does not like, or a small gift

• body contact

• supporting

  • watching she play sport, babysitting while she takes an course, buying into her dreams

• shared humor

  • private jokes

• extra miles

affectionate regard - caring but with no romantic passion

• feel for our parents, children, best friends

  • just care for someone, want the best for them

• neglecting physical intimacy and not allowing each other to be different enoughhf

blending partner - sharing everything with the beloved

• exercise

  • list of the things you argued about
    • money, time apart, tidiness, friends, childcare
  • Rows are vital to clear the air and learn about each other's needs
  • write down all your fears, and listen to your partner's fears
    • keep going with a fear, and tackle the "what if" scenarios one by one
  • find the compromise, and the balance

• strike a balance

  • limerence helps couples to let down their barriers
  • long to be close - to be understood, to hold or be held by another one
  • we wanna be in control, to be masters of our own destiny

Collaborating: Finding your dream

• the blocks

  • Dreams feed your soul and express who you are, providing an interest that time just disappears

  • Dreams are about enjoying yourself, So whether you do something well, indifferently or badly is completely unimportant. If you enjoy it, keep on doing it.

  • anything is possible in dreams, forget the practicalities

• how to find your dream

  • imagine which kind of life would you like? imagine where you would like to live, what work you would like to do, what kind of relationship you would like to have, what social life, what hobbies?

  • Imagine all the details, and fill in the pictures properly

  • open your eyes, and work out how to start realizing your dreams

  • Make a start the next day ...

Arguing

• understand ourselves

  • think of all the personal qualities: kind, beautiful soul, cheerful, reasonable, tough, curious, open-minded, good listener, insightful, brave, forgiving, willing to compromise, affectionate, compliments, outgoing, reliable

  • list the petty things about your partner that irritate you

    • why these issues get your goat?
    • what memories does each bad habit bring back? your parents or your previous partner or your colleages say about these?

  • pinpoint the hidden 80% of current issues

    • think back to your childhood, and your earlier memory, how did u feel about the details?

  • your beliefs or personality come from somewhere:

    • our upbringing, religion, general culture or the media
    • how much these sayings has marked your personality or view of the world? how many of the current issues with your partner are built on these opinions?

• Be emotionally Honest

  • integrity and generally tell each other the truth

  • list the feelings:

    • shock - surprise, confusion, amazement
    • anger - rage, resent, frustration, impatience
    • sadness - disappointment, hurt, despair, grief
    • fear - anxiety, worry, insecure, panic, jealousy, guilt, shame
    • love - acceptance, admiration, appreciation, gratitude, relief, empathy, compassion
    • disgust - contempt, disdain, scorn
    • happiness - fulfilling, satisfaction, pleasure, contentment, amusement

  • write down any feeling you experienced, especially uncomfortable ones

    • am I experiencing feeling from each category? why?
    • "I feel ..."

    • Feeling come from our body, we have a physical reaction; heat beating faster, trembling, a tightening of the chest

    • thoughts come from our head, they are opinions, ideas, judgements and beliefs

• communicate the feelings

  • express your feelings to your partner
  • specific the complaint
    • 'I feel frustrated when you ... '
  • listen attentively, acknowledge what has been said
    • 'I feel sad that you say that I ...'

• release the anger properly is to express it

  • Explore - acknowledge their feelings and check

    • "I can see you are , do u need to say anything more?"
    • tips: complain about the behaviour
    • 'please don't ..., 'I want us to ... '

  • Comprehend - listen, and ask questions so that you are clear about what is meant

    • what's your responsibility? how your behavior extended the problem? - ' I'm sorry that I gave you ...'
    • or understanding your partner's case

  • Action

    • you both vent your feelings, and try to comprehend each other's viewpoing
    • try to find a compromise or a trade-off
    • ask 'what have we learnt from this fight?' 'how will we do things better next time'

• why?

  • arguing open the issues that really matter
  • create the impetus to sepak out, creates a sense 'something must be done'

Target - speaking the same language of love

• how to find

  • 'I feel most loved when ...'
  • 'I am most likely to complain that my partner never ... '

• communication

  • I feel (humiliated) when you (ignore me) because I'm trying my best to change.

• creating quality time together

  • truly focused on your partner, sharing your time and thoughts

• caring actions

  • listen to what she complains about, and turn it into a demo of your lvoe

• physical contact

  • hugs, kisses, hand

• appriciative words

  • 'thank you for choosing ...'
  • ' you got a really ...'

• present-giving

Play - boost Real intimacy

• Think about your pleasure

  • achievement: negotiate a discount, close a deal at work
  • peaceful state: meditation, walk together, a beautiful view, lying in a warm bed
  • excitement: ride together
  • sensual: coffee, food, flowers, movies, learn to cooking together
  • nurturing: voluntary work, introducing a good book, cooking

• exercise

  • compliment or congratulate your partner on a job well done
    • just smile or repeat the praise

  • talk

    • bring the story to life
    • ask your partner to explain something from their life

  • quality talking time

    • what we want from life ?
    • where are we heading?
    • really open up about your hopes and fears

  • Touch your partner

    • hold hands, give her a kiss

  • share

    • sharing each other

  • lovemaking

    • 'I love it when you ... '

  • experiment

    • bring something new into your relationship

• Boredom is a warning of intimacy

  • play to put the passion back

Giving & learning

Bond

reference

• I love you but I'm Not in Love with You

notes on how to show your love languages

爱能使情势改观

如果我的配偶爱我, 我可以放松, 知道我的爱人不会伤害我; 在他面前, 我觉得安全; 配偶爱我这一事实, 满足了我对自我价值的感觉; 她的爱建立了我的自尊

当我的配偶有爱心地投资了时间, 精力, 和努力在我身上, 我可以感觉到自身的重要 缺少了爱, 我可能一生都在追寻意义, 自我价值, 和安全感; 但当我经验到爱, 它积极地影响了所有的需要

有了爱, 可以感受到安全, 自我价值, 自尊; 以后我有发展自我潜力的自由, 而不被自我需要缠绕; 真实的爱总是使我们自由

感覺受人所愛是人最重要的情緒需求. 感受到配偶的愛, 是婚姻願望中最基本的需要

保持愛箱常滿對婚姻非常重要

恋爱是一种暂时性自我界限之瓦解形成的; 它是内在性动力和外在性刺激的一种反应 我需要被一个人爱, 这个人选择爱我, 看到我有值得爱的地方.

有理性, 有意志的爱; 是为了使对方得益而投注精力所做的努力; 知道她的生命, 因为你的努力, 变得更丰富, 于是你也会有满足感(真正爱了一个人的那种满足; 它不需要“恋爱”经验那种陶醉感**

渴望能感受到来自配偶的情和爱; 当我们确定, 我们的伴侣接纳, 需要我们, 而且为我们的福祉做承诺的时候, 我们会觉得安全

当你配偶的情绪箱满了之时, 她在你的爱里会觉得安全; 她会走出来, 发挥生命中最高的潜力

我們如何滿足彼此那種覺得被愛, 深刻, 及情感上的需要?

爱的语言 - 肯定的言词

• 每一次他做什么好事, 在口头上赞赏她 - 是向她表达肯定言词
• 口头的赞扬或欣赏式的话语
• "你穿那套西装, 好帅"
• "你穿这件衣服, 好看极了
• "我要你知道, 我真感谢你今天帮忙洗碗

• "谢谢你今晚 ..., 我要你知道, 我很感动

• 鼓励的话语 - 来激发其勇气 - 除非她自己有这样的愿望

• 我们必须先学习, 对我们的配偶来说, 什么才是最重要的

• "我知道, 我关心, 我跟你在一起, 我能帮什么忙么?"

• 也許她有一種或多种尚未使用过的潜能, 可能正等待你鼓励的话语

• 鼓励她去发展她已经有的兴趣

• "如果你下定决心做那件事, 我可以告诉你, 你会成功的; 那是我喜欢你的原因之一; 当你决定做什么事, 你就去做, 如果那是你想做的, 我会尽力帮助你; 不要担心钱, 如果那是你想做的, 我们会筹得出钱的

• 仁慈的话语 - 柔和的声音 - 需求了解和重修旧好

• “今天晚上, 你有沒有提議要幫助我, 我覺得失望, 傷心”

  • 是想要别人了解她; 借着分享她的感觉,开始建立亲密感
  • 为了得到痊愈, 她要求一个机会来讨论那个伤害

• 需要知道彼此的愿望

  • 我们想要彼此相爱,我们需要知道对方要的是什么

• 谦逊的话语 - 爱是提出请求, 而非要求 - 请求带着选择

• 我们要以请求的方式呈现我们的需要和愿望, 我们是在引导

  • “在这个礼拜中, 你可不可能再烤一个? 我好喜欢吃你烤的”
  • "想想这个周末, 你是否有可能清理沟槽? "
  • 这是在引导妻子,知道如何去爱他,而建立亲密感

• 当你向配偶提出请求, 是在肯定她的价值和能力

  • 这在本质上表明,她有些什么,或者可以做些什么, 对你是有意义,有价值的

• 收集肯定的言词 - 用言语来肯定一个人的配偶

• 人最深处的需要, 可能就是感觉被人欣赏
• 文章或书籍或演讲
• 配偶不在场的话, 说些夸赞她的话
• 在配偶在场的话, 当着别人的面肯定她
• 当得到公开荣誉的时候, 一定要跟她分享这份功劳
• 试试手写肯定的言词 -
  • 写一封情书, 一句爱语给你的配偶
  • 在配偶的父母和朋友面前称赞她

精心的时刻- 给予她不分散的注意力

• 彼此注视着交谈
• 注視着她的眼睛, 给予她你全部的注意力

• 跟她一起做些她喜欢的事, 而且全心全意

• 同在一起

• 同在一起跟集中注意力有关
• 两人同心一起做些什么, 并且给予对方全部的注意力
• 所参与的那项活动, 其实也是次要的; 重要的是情感上与对方共度的注意力交集的时刻
• 比如, 夫妻一起活动, 焦点不在活动, 而在他们花时间共处的事实: 要紧的是情感层次上发生的事

• 花时间在一起做普通的消遣, 传达了我们关心对方, 喜欢跟对方在一起, 及喜欢一起做些什么

• 精心的会话 - 同理心的对话

• 两个人在友善的环境中, 分享他们的经验, 思想, 感觉和愿望

• 精心会话的焦点是 我们在听什么

  • 在那段交谈的时间, 我会专心让你吐露心声, 而且具有同理心地倾听你所要说的话
  • 我会问些问题,而是以真实的渴望去问,问了要了解你的思想,感觉和愿望

• "我知道你要跟我说话, 我有兴趣听, 如果给我十分钟完成这件事, 我可以坐下听你说话"

• 倾听 - empathy - 目标是发掘配偶的思想和感觉, 以了解他

• 当她告诉我工作上的挣扎, 她并不要劝告, 她要的是同情
• 她要我听她说, 给她注意力, 让她知道我能了解那种伤痛, 那种压迫, 那种压力
• 她要知道我爱他, 我跟她在一起; 她不要劝告, 她只要知道我了解她
• 她渴望他借着倾听她的痛苦和挫折, 而把注意力集中在她身上

• 注意听感觉问自己

  • “她正体验什么样的情绪”
  • “听起来好像你觉得失望, 因为我忘记了 ... ”
  • 观察肢体语言, 拳头,双手,眼泪,眉头, 眼神
  • 可請求說明,以確定你知道對方真正在想些什么,感觉到什么

• 表白自己

• 要告诉太太他的思想和感觉, 否则不会感觉和丈夫接近

• 表达自己的情绪

  • 借着自己的感觉,觉察自己的情绪
  • “你对汤恩做的事有什么感觉”
  • 愤怒, 生气, 伤心, 失望, 烦, 挫折感, 焦急

• 记录自己的感觉 以及有关的事件

  • 记录当天发生的事, 以及对那事件的感觉 +

• 精心之活动

• 两人同在一起, 做什么事
• 重点是你们为什么做它: 它的目的是两人一起经历什么事, 事后觉得“他关心我”
• 她愿意跟我一起做我喜欢的事, 而且她有正面态度
• 比如 “逛市场, 采购, 听音乐, 一起散步, 或者一起洗车” 等等
• 提供了一个记忆银行
  • 可以跟一个觉得被爱的配偶享受生活的乐趣

• 比如

  • 在你們一人成长的邻近地区散步, 问一些童年的问题
  • 到市区公园,租车
  • 请她列一个单子, 写上她喜欢和你一起做的活动
  • 每天找些时间彼此分享一些当天的事情

• 婚姻是一种关系, 而非一个待解决的问题

• 这种关系要求具有同理心的倾听, 以了解对方的思想, 感觉, 和愿望为目的
• 我们只有在被要求的时候, 才愿意提供建议

• 当配偶说话的时候, 保持眼光的接触, 以传达对你全部的注意力

• 列一個单子

• 她希望你跟她一起做的事, 有些什么? 那些以往她常提到的事
• 晚上回家, 一起跟她谈谈我的一天, 而且倾听她谈谈她的一天
• 跟她散步, 而且边走边谈

接受礼物 - 重要的是你想到了她

• 礼物
• 为妻子摘一朵野花
• 买一张美丽的卡片
• 列一张单子 - 你的配偶接到后感到兴奋的所有礼物
• 一盒糖, 送花, 送衬衫
• 大自然 - 石頭, 花
• 手工藝品 - 繪畫, 陶藝, 木刻

• 种树, 比如苹果树

• 记录你的配偶选择的礼物

  • 记下 “我真喜欢那个”
  • 请你配偶的亲友帮助你

• 陪伴

• 当你的配偶需要你的事后, 你就在那里陪伴
• 在紧要关头你能在场, 将是最动人的礼物
• “今天下午, 晚上, 还有明天, 我真希望你能跟我一起在那儿”

服务的行动 - 配偶想要你做的事

• 替她服务, 使她高兴; 替她做事, 表示你对她的爱

• 做一餐飯, 做家務, 洗碗, 掃地, 打掃

• 列一個单子, 希望她做好的

• 真正喜欢他帮忙做的
• “我希望...”
• 请你配偶告诉你, 哪些是真正能对她表明爱的日常服务的行动
• "如果我能做一个特别的服务行动, 你想要的是什么**

身体接触

• 比如
• 牵手, 亲吻, 拥抱, 做爱
• 爱的抚摸 是要明确且全神贯注的
• 比如把手放在她肩头
• 轻触对方的身体
• 坐在沙发傻姑娘彼此相靠紧点
• 在她哭的时候, 没有比搂着她更重要了
• 遇到危机的时候, 我们会互相拥抱
• “你最了不起”

reference

• [The five love languages] by Dr. Gary Chapman