!About self-actualization and self-reflections

2017-11-16

Improve your 外在/personality

  • TODO

    • 机敏 - 情绪觉察力

    • more outgoing

    • 積極主動

lessons and skills

  • skills

    • 自我的自主性是第一

      • 人生苦短，尽量消解不确定性，把生活主动权掌握在自己手上
        • 不要去做螺丝钉
      • 有一个自主性的意识在，对这个事情有基本判断； 从现实出发，试试看； 否则全部都是别人给你设的，怎么样去满足别人的要求，那会很痛苦
      • 你的存在是先的，然后去不去做 只是一个选择，结果也是多样的
      • 不断突破并改写自己的叙事框架，才可以获得这一层次的自由
        • 否则 社会或他人潜移默化的规训

    • Being brave doesn't mean you aren't scared

      • Being brave means you are scared and you do the right thing anyway

    • 处事方式比你圆滑

      • 真诚 or ?

        • 以对方喜欢的方式 对待对方
        • 老板有权以自己最得心应手的方式来工作
          • 与他们共事的人有责任观察他们，了解他们的工作方式，适应老板

      • 选择策略

        • 有时说出自己的观点和看法是尊重他人学识的表现；有时隐藏自己的观点和看法可以避免不必要的争端
        • 如果你说出某个争端，试着将气氛缓和下来；可以将自己观点表述出来，听听他们如何争辩； “你觉得呢？”
        • 有时争论过无数次，都没结果，可以不必提起这个话题

      • 内省及由此而获得的自我认识

        • 能想清楚自己为什么要做某件事情，是一种有普遍价值的生活技能
        • 当你迷失或虚伪时，人们一眼就可以看出来；当你开放和自信时，人们会欣赏

      • 至少要与经常见面但不喜欢的人有至少一些接触

        • 如“今天过得怎么样？”， 至少会让对方觉得你在努力

    • 从具体的问题看，从周边非常具体地看生活

      • 我们只能懂小的东西，也不懂大的东西
      • 用大的象征符号说话是很容易的，因为它不用去处理那些丰富的，细致的，互相矛盾的材料
      • 当你被那些宏大的东西绝对化之后，小的东西不仅被忽视，而且觉得小的东西不应该存在

    • 做好可控的因素， 对不可控的因素 担心也没用

      • 减少内耗

      • In comes from within

        • focus on yourself and not the world
        • fight the battles inside you first and then watch the world change around you

      • “空” - 禪宗

        • 我的心超越这一切，孤寂而自由
          • 无论外界怎么变迁，我只是随时应变，但我的心不会随之而迁流
        • 宋明的新儒家 和 禅宗 是有一条秘密通道的， 而薛宝钗就位于这条秘密通道上
          • 一扇大门的存在， 她对世界保持着一种疏离感； 在大门之内，她的生命依旧向着阳光怒放
          • 宝钗虽然拥有超越而从容的力量，但代价就是寂寞

    • Fairness - 好好做自己

      • Fairness means treating people according to their needs

        • explore the differences and develop them into talents. This development can still be considered fair, even though it isn't equal

      • Negotiating for 'fairness'

        • the risk: approaching a negotiation hoping the other side will be 'fair'
        • the blind spot: 'fair' is subjective. If you lead with what you need or what is fair, you lose
        • Position your request as a solution to their problem; Ask for a budget adjustment because your increased output has saved the company $X amount

      • In a broader social context, fairness takes the form of justice

        • fairly balance the needs of the individual with the needs of the larger whole

      • equality means treating everyone exactly the same

        • only in the sense that they'rea ll equally part of the same whole
        • at the basic level of equal human rights

    • 只做必须之事， 也把必须之事做好

      • 做的适宜，不做没有目标的事
      • 知道自己要什么

    • 围绕眼前的实践来提升认知

      • 需要什么，再学习什么，不要脱离实际

    • 愿意接受挑战

      • Strong men know no one is coming, and start helping themselves
      • “失意不要灰心，得意切莫忘形； 求人不如求己，做人要有骨气”
      • accountable

    • 商人玩的是 赚钱的游戏

      • 尽可能避免零和游戏，因为它并不创造财富

    • like the people who like you back or support you

      • or loyal to you
      • 看到他想要提高并让队友们变得更好
        • tit-for-tat: 现代博弈论也证明了最优战略是“一报还一报”

    • your family is the most important thing in life

      • invest as much quality time with them as possible

    • skipped toxic people

      • 负面的人
      • never let anyone get too comfortable with disrespecting you
      • deal with people how they deal with you, hardly, barely, and accordingly
      • stop worrying about people who don't even care about you

  • softskills

    • 看到自己愿意的就主动争取和结交
    • 不断的鼓励自己，挑战自己
      • 输了我可以重来，没有第一我可以再抢第一
      • 不管什么，我都可以站起来
      • 在这个过程中变得自信

  • lessons

    • 有底线即可, 无必要追求风骨

  • self

    • 找到了一种平衡

      • 渐渐更喜欢和别人一起，也更善于结识新朋友
      • 也喜欢有一两个小时的独处时间

    • 内省及由此而获得的自我认识

      • 能想清楚自己为什么要做某件事情，是一种有普遍价值的生活技能
      • 当你迷失或虚伪时，人们一眼就可以看出来；当你开放和自信时，人们会欣赏

    • 不仅要奖励自己取得的成就，也要奖励自己付出的努力

      • 必须告诉自己，我已经努力了， 我可以对自己感觉良好

    • 要对自己是什么样的人感到舒服

      • 并让别人看到你是怎么样的人；然后让他们决定是否要你成为他们的领导

  • 心中宁静

    • 需要积极理性的生活； 需要追逐 利益

      • 只消凝神，立刻获得宁静
      • inner silence and stillness - feel the calm, control, and power hidden within you
      • 我不跟人比 但我跟自己相处很好所以我自信

    • 人生的欲望

      • 名利之心
      • 避免无聊的唯一出路，是过一种审美的生活， 去创造一些美出来

    • 世俗生活中，人际关系是 烦恼来源

      • 无论爱情友情亲情， 投入不一致（深浅轻重多少），才造成痛苦困扰

自己的长处是什么 - 回馈分析法 feedback analysis

  • build on the strengths : write down the outcome you expect and compare results

  • 专注于自己的长处， 把自己放到那些能发挥长处的地方

    • 加强自己的长处 -> 哪些需要改善自己的技能或学习新技能； 知识上的差距
    • 努力学习新技能，汲取新知识
    • 编程

  • 发现任何偏见和无知，加以克服

  • 纠正不良习惯 - 影响工作成效和工作表现的事情

    • 内心戏太多
    • 赖床 -> 晚起
    • 没有以 领导为核心
    • 规律化

  • 缺乏礼貌

    • 说“请”和“谢谢”， 记住别人的名字，或问候对方家人
    • 多和周围熟悉的人打招呼

  • 自己不能做什么 -> 尽量少把精力浪费在那些不能胜任的领域上

  • 天性 - 性格，动机，价值观

自己的工作方式是怎样的？ - how do I work? - 自己平时是怎样把事情做成的
  • 读者型（习惯阅读信息） 还是 听者型（习惯听取信息）
自己如何学习

  • 从实干中学习

  • 从笔记中学习

  • 从读来学习
  • 从写来学习

  • 从听来学习

  • 对“解決问题”的向往

    • 凡是有价值的思想，都是从“具体的问题”下手的
    • 先研究问题的各方面事实，看看病在哪里； 再提出种种解决方法，然后加上想象力，推想一个假定的解决法

  • 自我教育

    • 贵族教育是非实用性的； 对于普通家庭出身的我，需要一技傍身，没那么多适错的机会
    • 素质教育更重要的是心智的提升
      • 差距最大的是 演讲能力和写作能力
    • 走出家族的影响，不要被孝道文化所合理化
    • 说的有没有道理很重要

  • 开发思维框架，而不是工具和技术层面

自我管理

  • 自省能力的优劣

    • 不管对方的动机， 如果我认为不对，回归事件本身

  • 乐观主义， 即使身处困境

  • 单枪匹马

    • 独当一面的能力

  • 在怎样的关系下与他人共事

    • partner （平等互利的关系下）
    • 不怎么会做下属 却很想 follow 别人
    • 追求独立（不愿意失去自尊），却能力不足以至于不得不听话

  • 如何才能取得成果

    • 决策者还是顾问？
    • 决策者， 需要顾问来迫使他们思考

  • 压力下表现出色， 还是按部就班，可预测的工作环境？

  • 管理你的生活

    • 定义对你而言什么是“有意义的”

  • 管理 自己的 精疲力竭

  • 心态管理

    • 与其抱怨，不如正视
    • 不自卑，不攀比，坚持最好的自我
    • 和有视野有资源的同学做朋友
    • 努力争取自己想要的东西，珍惜和感恩自己的所得
    • 不忘初心，珍惜所有，用自己的资源多去提携他人，朋友和孩子
自己的价值观是什么 - what are my values?

  • what kind of person do I want to see in the mirror?

    • 每天早晨在镜子里想看到一个什么样的人？
      • 做有价值的事情

  • 把自己的思维放到 5 年，10 年后，想想自己需要什么样的生活

自己属于何处

  • 知道自己的长处，工作方式和价值观

  • “是的，我将做这件事。但是，我将按照我自己的特点，采取这样的方式来做这件事，进行这样的组织安排，这样来处理当中所牵涉的关系。这是我在这个时间范围内应该会取得的成果，因为这就是我。”

  • you should work hard and always think about how you can do better and take on more responsibility.

    • life is not only about work, it’s also about your relationships with your family and romantic partner, friendship, and self-interest.
    • Life is everything and if you don’t balance well you won’t be happy.

我该做什么贡献

对人际关系负责

  • 老板有权以自己最得心应手的方式来工作

    • 与他们共事的人有责任观察他们，了解他们的工作方式，适应老板

  • 重要的是， 他们能否有所作为以及他们持有什么样的价值观

  • 沟通责任

    • 正在做这些工作的人必须确保懂得他们设法做的事什么，为什么要做这件事，如何去做以及期望什么结果
    • 组织建立在信任的基础上； 信任意味着彼此了解

  • 广结善缘

    • 不要一次性的利益交换，基于长久积累的信任； 能多帮就多帮

  • 走出自己的世界

    • 把自己那个世界规则吃透，各种人都要认识
    • 你走出自己的世界，是为了追寻多元的价值

  • 对人不能冷血，对事不能温情

    • 对人要有温情，对事要严厉

  • 对人礼貌，要学会对人微笑和怎样对人说话

认知
  • 富人思维
    • 自主催化，闭环的能力 -> 独立的内生循环， 进而可以自己解放出来
管理后半生
  • 发展第二职业
关注
  • 关心政治和社会
  • 关心 受难的人

The Minto Pyramid Principle

Friend & Foe

ch1 - balance between feeling good about ourselves and feeling motivated to perform well
  • find the right social comparison balance
    • help us understand how well we are doing is by looking at others
    • anticipate the possibility that our successes will upset others
      • be modest is to share negative information

  • use social comparison to boost your own motivation

    • seek unfavorable comparisons if you wanna push yourself harder

      • light a competitive fire, consider those who have accomplished a bit more than you have

    • seek favorable comparisons if you wanna feel happier

      • consider those who are less fortunate, volunteering for those less fortunate
ch2 - to be confident but also deferential

  • confident yet courteous (polite and showing respect)

    • knowing you're worth and also be kind (humble and don't look down on others)

  • combine power and perspective-taking

    • power makes us more confident and optimistic; and helps us reach our destination faster
    • need some mechanism for keeping our egos in check
      • the ability to take another's perspective

  • perspective-taking

    • understand the other's wants and needs, what they are thinking

      • consciously choosing to actively get inside the head of another person

        • ask more critical "why" and "what" questions
        • use facial and bodily mimicry to facilitate perspective-taking
        • people like being mimicked; mimickers seem cooperative

      • appreciate the needs of the others while we need to advance our own interests and concerns

      • too much empathy making deep cooperation when they're likely to be exploited
        • empathy (feeling the other person's emotions) is less effective in a negotiation than is perspective-taking

    • figure out when perspective-taking helps us and when it hurts

      • perspective-taking without any empathy is dangerous

  • to be confident

    • the feeling of power like a king, we are more likely to act like one

      • your experience of your own power can matter as much how much power you actually have
      • recalling an experience with power, taking on a powerful posture
      • one primed with power displayed greater confidence, and thus viewed as more capable and competent
      • power blinds us to the plight of others

    • know you're worth

ch3 - Hierarchy <- harness the benefits of hierarchy while mitigating its downsides

  • Hierarchy can produce the coordination effectively to implement and produce the well-conceived decision

    • managers set direction and facilitate collaboration

    • Hierarchy offers needed structure in the face of chaos (threatening or little control)

      • Hierarchy helps achieve the collaborative coordination by suppressing individual desires and synchronizing behavior
      • Hierarchy helps people know who does what, when, and how; these rules promote efficient interactions by setting clear expectations for the behaviors of people of different ranks
      • co-leadership is a bad idea; this creates uncertainty over who is really in charge; the actions of two equally powerful people can be especially difficult to coordinate

    • how much the group performance requires coordination between the members

      • when in interdependent settings, more talent can lead to bad group performace
      • when individuals perform largely independent tasks, it's better have enough talent

  • how and when to fluctuate between more versus less hierarchy

    • leaders need to create psychological safety to encourage broad participation; and a leader sets the vision and the course and integrates all the different perspectives to make the best decisions

      • we need everyone's perspective in a complex and dynamic decision-making
      • leaders and members need to communicate frequently and coordinate not only physically but also intellectually
      • speak up and alert leaders to changing conditions and impending problems

    • promote Psychological safety for the lower-status members

      • team members feel encouraged to ask for clarification, to point out critical errors, and even to share new and challenging ideas
      • leaders need access to the most complete and varied information; to ensure the perspectives and wisdom of the less powerful are brought to light
ch6 - Trust <- balance between warmth and competence

  • build warmth

    • demonstrate concern for others + we trust warm people, because they care about us

      • feel emotion on the inside, and express warmth effectively on the outside
      • like "I'm sorry about the rain" shows concern and conveys warmth + nonverbal cues - like physical connection like handshakes, an embrace, a pat on the shoulder, or even a light touch on an elbow

    • a little vulnerability makes you seem approachable and warm in less time

      • like "spilling their coffee" or "telling a bad joke"

  • we trust competent people, because they are credible, effective, and efficient

    • use the right terms and jargon to appear competent
    • our deeds match our words -> hypocrite

  • are you "like me" or not?

    • trust those who are "in" our group
    • introduce a common enemy

  • asking for advice

    • seeking advice and another's perspective can lead to long-term benefits makes people feel committed to your success (an investment).
    • we just flattered someone by seeking their advice if the request is not completely obvious
      • asking for advice shows deference and respect

    • follow up with everyone of your advice givers and let them know how much their insights have helped

      • if you didn't take their advice, it was their insight that helped you think about your situation in a different light, and that their unique perspective turned out to be essential for your success

    • self-promotion doesn't always work very well

balance between trust and deception

  • think carefully about what we do not want to believe

    • establish a baseline (what constitutes "normal" behaviors), and start to ask pressing questions

    • actively look for those clues we hope not to find

    • think carefully about what we do not want to believe, and what we want to believe, before we place our trust in others

  • Trust but verify

  • deception

    • intentionally misleads a target

  • balance between telling the truth and being kind

    • how important is it to boost a person's self-esteem
    • how useful is the feedback for their long-term success ?
ch10 - explore the mechanics of when and how to begin a competition

  • know the nature of the competition

    • if names are listed sequentially, like voting, be listed first
    • if it is a serial competition with more than a few candidates (like an interview process), go later and preferably last
    • if it is a yes/no decision, know the default. if the default is unfavorable to you, go first. If the default is favorable, go last

  • a well-informed negotiator does better by going first

    • take the time to gain more information - the item/industry, your opponent's preferences
    • making the first offer anchors the negotiation in our favor

Strategic study and thinking

classify the problems

  • define the problem

    • how to best formulate a problem
    • try to be more specific if the problem concerns how a goal or target
    • whether the problem so-defined is real or not

  • classify the problem

    • empirical questions -> concern empirical facts, particular events or causal processes in the world

      • need observations or experiments or the help of experts in the field
      • the prior beliefs should be evaluated according to empirical data

    • conceptual questions

      • conceptual analysis and reasoning is enough to answer
      • without engaging in experiments or observations

    • evaluative questions - value judgments

      • distinction between intrinsic and instrumental values
      • consider the consequences of the action, or the motives behind the action
      • once knowing the empirical facts, then we can apply the correct moral standards to judge whether the action is good or bad
solve problems

  • understand the problem

    • is the problem well-defined? can the problem be analysed into smaller sub-problems?
    • what type of problem is it?
    • what information can we gather about the problem?
    • have other people solve this problem before? what lessons might their experiences offer?
    • what are the constraints (time, money, resources,etc) in solving the problem?

  • draw up a plan

    • carry out necessary preparations, like research, coordination
    • determine the time and resources needed
    • write down the plan in a systematic manner

  • try out the plan

    • monitor progress to make sure that things go according to plan
    • record errors or special considerations for furutre review

  • monitor the outcome of the plan

    • review past experiences and understand why we succeed or fail
    • monitor our own performance review the whole exercise in order that we can do even better in the future

  • understand complex systems and processes

    • decomposition
      • identify the functions of different components, and see how they interact with each other
      • understand the function and behavior of a object in terms of its components and their interaction
making good decisions

  • focus on the process of making a decision

    • emotions are crucial in helping us come to a decision
    • need to listen to our feelings because we often have to live with the decisions that we have made
      • some of our deep-deated emotional reactions might come from those aspects of our personality that we are not able to change
    • the heart has its reasons which reason does not know

  • use a pros and cons list

    • good reasons or good consequences

  • spend more time thinking carefully about a difficult and important decision

reference

creative thinking

The idea of innovation
  • “It’s better to solve the right problem approximately than to solve the wrong problem exactly” - John Turkey
reference

critical thinking - 思辨能力

  • think clearly and rationally
Why
  • 拒绝不恰当的想法，以更加接近真理与真相
    • 尽可能求得最理性，客观的判断
    • 帮助我们建立 严谨而扎实的推理结构，更容易令他人理解与认同
    • 高级的 思辨能力是公正无私的
      • 试图评论一切推理的真正优点与缺失， 无论出于自己或他人
      • 不会控制他人或逃避真相，而是 用有道德，负责的态度思考问题
      • 愿意聆听自己未必赞同的论点，如有更正确的推理，也愿意改变自己的观点或立场
What - think clearly and rationally about what to do or what to believe

  • ask questions and to keep asking them until you are satisfied with the answer

    • inquiry to determine the nature of the problem before proceeding to attempts at its solution

  • self-evalution

    • evalute the pros and cons of your decisions?

    • break down a complex problem into parts ?

    • do you have reasons for your confidence?

      • do you have a way to evaluate your own thinking?

    • do u take other people's experiences into account?

think clearly

  • why

    • pursuit of knowledge
    • know ourselves a little better, dispel prejudices
    • communicate more richly and persuasively

  • stage 1 - why you believe something to be true or important

  • stage 2 - the assumptions this reasoning relies upon

  • stage 3 - what you do and don't know, where you're uncertain

  • info

自己的长处是什么 - 回馈分析法 feedback analysis

  • build on the strengths : write down the outcome you expect and compare results

  • 专注于自己的长处， 把自己放到那些能发挥长处的地方

    • 加强自己的长处 -> 哪些需要改善自己的技能或学习新技能； 知识上的差距

    • 努力学习新技能，汲取新知识

    • 编程

  • 发现任何偏见和无知，加以克服

  • 纠正不良习惯 - 影响工作成效和工作表现的事情

    • 内心戏太多
    • 赖床 -> 晚起
    • 没有以 领导为核心
    • 规律化

  • 缺乏礼貌

    • 说“请”和“谢谢”， 记住别人的名字，或问候对方家人
    • 多和周围熟悉的人打招呼

  • 自己不能做什么 -> 尽量少把精力浪费在那些不能胜任的领域上

  • 天性 - 性格，动机，价值观

自己的工作方式是怎样的？ - how do I work? - 自己平时是怎样把事情做成的

  • 读者型（习惯阅读信息） 还是 听者型（习惯听取信息）

自己如何学习

  • 从实干中学习

  • 从笔记中学习

  • 从读来学习
  • 从写来学习

  • 从听来学习

  • 对“解決问题”的向往

    • 凡是有价值的思想，都是从“具体的问题”下手的
    • 先研究问题的各方面事实，看看病在哪里； 再提出种种解决方法，然后加上想象力，推想一个假定的解决法

  • 自我教育

    • 贵族教育是非实用性的； 对于普通家庭出身的我，需要一技傍身，没那么多适错的机会
    • 素质教育更重要的是心智的提升
      • 差距最大的是 演讲能力和写作能力
    • 走出家族的影响，不要被孝道文化所合理化
    • 说的有没有道理很重要

  • 开发思维框架，而不是工具和技术层面

自我管理

  • 自省能力的优劣

    • 不管对方的动机， 如果我认为不对，回归事件本身

  • 乐观主义， 即使身处困境

  • 单枪匹马

    • 独当一面的能力

  • 在怎样的关系下与他人共事

    • partner （平等互利的关系下）
    • 不怎么会做下属 却很想 follow 别人
    • 追求独立（不愿意失去自尊），却能力不足以至于不得不听话

  • 如何才能取得成果

    • 决策者还是顾问？
    • 决策者， 需要顾问来迫使他们思考

  • 压力下表现出色， 还是按部就班，可预测的工作环境？

  • 管理你的生活

    • 定义对你而言什么是“有意义的”

  • 管理 自己的 精疲力竭

  • 心态管理

    • 与其抱怨，不如正视
    • 不自卑，不攀比，坚持最好的自我
    • 和有视野有资源的同学做朋友
    • 努力争取自己想要的东西，珍惜和感恩自己的所得
    • 不忘初心，珍惜所有，用自己的资源多去提携他人，朋友和孩子

自己的价值观是什么 - what are my values?

  • what kind of person do I want to see in the mirror?

    • 每天早晨在镜子里想看到一个什么样的人？
      • 做有价值的事情

  • 把自己的思维放到 5 年，10 年后，想想自己需要什么样的生活

自己属于何处

  • 知道自己的长处，工作方式和价值观

  • “是的，我将做这件事。但是，我将按照我自己的特点，采取这样的方式来做这件事，进行这样的组织安排，这样来处理当中所牵涉的关系。这是我在这个时间范围内应该会取得的成果，因为这就是我。”

  • you should work hard and always think about how you can do better and take on more responsibility

    • Also, life is not only about work, it’s also about your relationships with your family and romantic partner, friendship, and self-interest. Life is everything and if you don’t balance well you won’t be happy.

我该做什么贡献

对人际关系负责

  • 老板有权以自己最得心应手的方式来工作

    • 与他们共事的人有责任观察他们，了解他们的工作方式，适应老板

  • 重要的是， 他们能否有所作为以及他们持有什么样的价值观

  • 沟通责任

    • 正在做这些工作的人必须确保懂得他们设法做的事什么，为什么要做这件事，如何去做以及期望什么结果
    • 组织建立在信任的基础上； 信任意味着彼此了解

  • 广结善缘

    • 不要一次性的利益交换，基于长久积累的信任； 能多帮就多帮

  • 走出自己的世界

    • 把自己那个世界规则吃透，各种人都要认识
    • 你走出自己的世界，是为了追寻多元的价值

  • 对人不能冷血，对事不能温情

    • 对人要有温情，对事要严厉

  • 对人礼貌，要学会对人微笑和怎样对人说话

认知

  • 富人思维
    • 自主催化，闭环的能力 -> 独立的内生循环， 进而可以自己解放出来

管理后半生

  • 发展第二职业

关注

  • 关心政治和社会
  • 关心 受难的人

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